


From the Mouths of Babes

by nerdyketones



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 5 year olds kicking ass, Adorable, Birthday, Children, Curiosity, Dad!Erwin, Dad!Levi, Family, Feels, Flower Crowns, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, Harm to Children, Human Experimentation, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Mom!Petra, Parent!Hanji, Parent-Child Relationship, Recovery, SO MUCH FLUFF, Swearing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, basically everyone's a parent, dad!Eren, heavily influenced by Gunslinger Girl, spoiler alert Levi gets tickled
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 35,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyketones/pseuds/nerdyketones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On their quest to destroy the titans and save humanity, the Scouting Legion comes across a toddler who, without a doubt, has been turned into some kind of super soldier. She's small, and quiet, but unmistakably deadly. The Scouts take her in, and everyone quickly grows attached. </p><p>--</p><p>“Do you want to try something new?” Eren asked, glancing at Levi. “It’s a game to see who can pick up the bigger rock- you or me. Sound fun?” </p><p>I hesitated, and looked questioningly at Levi. Didn’t he want to play too?</p><p>“Yes, I’ll play,” he sighed, and Eren’s smile got wider.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I knew that I was an experiment- a prisoner of sorts, even though I was little. A man would come to the building a few times a year with new kids, about my age, usually all girls. None of them would ever last. Not that I could talk to them, or get to know them. Still, I mourned each one as a friend I could have had, and a life needlessly shed. That is, when I remembered them.

The experiments differed. Sometimes, I was injected, sometimes not. Once and awhile, it was an eye drop, or a cream, or a pill. The pills always hurt the most. Most of the time, they didn’t work. All I did was feel pain, and I just got weaker. I never died, though; that’s why they tolerated my sickness from the experiments at all. No matter what they’d give me, it didn’t kill me. A thousand painful victories.

Only one experiment, as far as I can tell, had ever worked- it was a pill, and it made my insides hurt for almost a week. After, they gave me a piece of rope, and told me to pull it apart. My arms were like twigs, my hands like tiny spiders, and yet, after a minute of pulling, I ripped it in half.

After that, they switched to manacles to affix me to the bed instead of rope. For a long time, I stared at the chains, wondering. Was I strong enough to break free? Even if I did, I wouldn’t get far. Even if I made it out of the building, where would I have gone? I remembered no one. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t even know who I was half the time-not until they told me, over and over, to hurt me.

Some days, I gave myself a name. Lilly. Jessica. Marie. I didn’t know how I knew these names, but I thought of some, idly, to try and ignore my pain and pass the time. On good days, I tried to acknowledge that I was the ‘bad’ word that, whenever I heard it, was painfully familiar. That told me that I’d been reconditioned to forget it, but that I was brave enough to remember anyway, even if it made my head ache. On bad days, I was nothing.

Eventually, they started giving me a job. Besides being an experiment, I fed the other prisoners. I was too frail to escape, to go anywhere, and so they would only cuff my hands with a chain in between that was long enough to give me a fair amount of reach. The low prisoners, like the girls that were delivered to die, were simply kept in a cell, no ties. I would give them their plates, and we’d exchange empty, sad, terrified glances.

We would never say anything. They were too scared to trust, to speak, and I thought that I’d lost my ability to talk. We communicated in short glances, in body language, in tiny gestures.

It was rare for the bad place to have high prisoners. I’d only ever seen two, both men, who were tied tight to chairs or the floor, blindfolded, with little bits of cotton stuffed in their ears so they couldn’t hear anything. I had to untie a gag, and feed them by hand. Usually, I hated it. They’d yell at me, try to hit me, ask me questions. One bit me; it left a scar. The high prisoners almost always died after a day, sometimes two. Although I’d be sad that more people were dying, I was relieved too.

Then, out of the blue- not just one, but two were brought in. I could hear the struggles and grunts and yells from my bed, my cell, and I even saw a flash of yellow hair. I was both terrified and relieved. When I was on feeding duty, I wasn’t an experiment, but I’d have to deal with the high prisoners.

One of the guards was lazy. The others called him Paul. There were exact rules, but he didn’t follow them. The high prisoners were never supposed to see me. I had been given strict instructions, backed with a threat of violence, to never remove their blindfolds. The guard was supposed to be sure that the prisoner was secure before he could let me into the cell. Paul was lazy.

The first high prisoner was a young man much older than me, but younger than the guards. He was tied, kneeling, to the floor with rope, a lot of it. Most of the rules had been followed- the cotton pieces for his ears were out; the guards noticed that deafened prisoners attacked me when I fed them, so they changed the rules. He was also gagged- it was my job to take it off. However, his blindfold wasn’t on, and there wasn’t one in sight. I balked at the sight of blue-green eyes, and the fury held within them. The boy looked wild, powerful; a caged animal.

I was lucky that I’d set the tray of food down, because Paul noticed that I’d stopped moving, that I was caught like a deer in headlights in the boy’s gaze. “Who told you to stop, you little shit?” He hissed, and the back of his hand hit my cheek. I stumbled, I fell, and Paul loomed over me. His foot pressed against my chest to hold me down. I didn’t fight back; I never did. “Do your damned job.” He snapped, and he kicked me hard in the side, once, twice, three times.

To my surprise, the boy made a very angry noise at the violence, and tugged at the ropes, trying to squirm loose. I slowly got to my feet, trying not to sway. Getting knocked down had made me dizzy- or was it the backhand? My cheek stung. Paul left,  locking the cell door. There was still no blindfold.

My movements were rehearsed, and I kept my eyes down as much as possible as I brought the tray of food over, standing in front of him on the stone floor. His gaze on me made my skin crawl, but I had a job to do. Hesitant, I undid the gag, and the poor boy spit out a wad of cloth. I lifted the bowl of food, a stew, when he spoke. It wasn’t an accusation, or a plea, or a threat. “Are you alright?” He asked, tone still furious, and I nearly dropped the bowl.

No one had ever asked me that before.

I made the mistake of looking at him. The fierceness was still in his eyes, but he was looking at me with pity too. He knew that this wasn’t my choice, or my fault. He wanted to help. I mutely, hesitantly, nodded that yes, I was fine, even though my ribs were throbbing and my cheek still hurt. I offered him a bite, looking away. He took it. I methodically loaded another forkful. When I looked back up to guide him the fork, I saw that his gaze had found the neat slash mark on my throat, a deep cut from long ago. I knew it was from an experiment, but I couldn’t remember what for, or if it worked.

I saw him put the pieces together, that I most likely couldn’t speak. Couldn't, or wouldn't. He took the second forkful. “I don’t want you to get in trouble,” He started as I prepared the next forkful, “But have you seen a blond man in here, like me?”

My fingers paused, and my gaze flicked to the right, then the left. I couldn’t see any guards, and I’d gotten good at hearing them in the hallways. When I confirmed that we were alone, I nodded, offering him the next fork. The information seemed to both agitate and calm the boy, and I gave him the rest of the stew. Carefully, I helped him drink a glass of water.

“Paul, you’re an idiot!” A door slammed open, and boots marched down the hall. I froze as Hans, the mean one, unlocked the cell door, followed by Paul, who had found the blindfold somewhere and realized his mistake. Hans grabbed me by the neck and promptly started choking me. I wasn’t resisting or doing anything wrong- he just vented like that all the time. He knew when to stop, to avoid damaging me too much, but the boy didn’t know that.

“Fight back! Let her _go_ , dammit! You coward!” His voice roared like thunder, and he struggled furiously. “Fight back, fight!” He yelled at me, considering all I’d done was grab Hans’s wrists, eyes squeezing shut, breaths coming in wheezes.

Paul bent down, grabbed the wad of cloth, and crammed it back into the boy's mouth, muffling him. “She’ll need reconditioning.” He muttered as Hans finally let go of me. I slumped, a gasp for air escaping, the loudest noise I thought I was capable of making that wasn’t a scream. Screams were different, though- those were for when I couldn’t control myself anymore, those were for experiments.

“Can’t have her remembering your fuck up, you mean?” Hans snapped. “If you ask for reconditioning, the higher ups will question why.”

“So I’ll lie. She’s a freak- I’ll say she asked about something we’ve conditioned over in the past or something.” Paul retorted. “Would you shut it?” He hissed, punching the still furious boy in the stomach when he wouldn’t be quiet. The boy grunted, falling silent, frame quivering from the hit he’d taken.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Hans sighed. “She can’t talk. Forget about reconditioning. You.” He grabbed me by the front, effortlessly lifting me into the air. I didn’t like the feeling of being so high off the ground, my feet swinging in empty space. “If you try to communicate any of this to anyone, I will break every single one of your fingers, one at a time.” He promised slowly, darkly, and I whimpered; I couldn’t help it. Hans would definitely make good on his promise.

“Huh,” Paul looked on, learning, as he stuffed the cotton back into the boy’s ears. I got one last glimpse of blue-green eyes, looking at me with such power, before he was blindfolded. Paul slapped the back of his head, and the boy growled in response, struggling.

Hans carried me by the front to the kitchen, where I got the next tray for the second high prisoner. Hans went in first, unplugging the blond man’s ears, checking and tightening the rope binding him to the floor, like the boy, until the blond man grunted in pain. Satisfied that I could proceed with my duties, he directed me in with a shove and shut the door, locking it. His footsteps walked away.

I found that I was shaking as I crossed over to the blond man, who was holding very still, listening to the light pats of my bare feet on the stone floor, of the chain connecting my hands clinking quietly. I wanted to untie his blindfold, find my voice, look him in the eye, and tell him everything I knew. I wanted to be able to fight, as the boy had urged me.

Instead, I set down the tray and untied the gag. The man predictably spit out a wad of cloth, as the boy did. Instead of speaking, demanding, begging, or accusing, he listened carefully for a few more seconds as I readied a forkful of food. I held the fork against the edge of his lip until he took the bite.

I silently fed him, trying to stop my shaking, but I couldn’t. The fork occasionally rattled against the dish, giving me away, but the man didn’t say anything. I was a little disappointed, despite my relief. The stew was finished, and I picked up the glass. I helped him drink it, both of us flinching a bit when my fingertips accidentally touched his chin.

I’d given away that I was a child by the size of my hands. I could see his expression change, even blindfolded, to one of anger before he forced it down. I helped him finish the water, careful not to touch him again. As I sat down the glass, I got a spark of inspiration. I may have been too small, too afraid, and too weak to fight, but I was strong. I knew that I could rip rope in half.

The man in front of me looked strong. His shoulders were packed with muscle, and his hands were large and calloused. He could fight. He could collect the boy he’d been captured with and flee. I couldn’t do anything, and yet I wanted to do this. I didn’t know who they were, but I didn’t care. I could help them; I wanted to, before reconditioning made me forget that, forget them, forget myself. Even if I got reconditioned for helping them, I wanted to make a stand.

I had time to do it- Hans liked to smoke in between duties. I made my decision, reached out, and grabbed the rope around the man’s arms. He tensed, unsure of what I was doing, trying to track the feeling of tiny hands on his arms. I tugged, I strained, the rope chafing into my hands, and after a moment it gave. I picked up the broken ends and tucked them back in, to make it look like nothing had changed.

I struggled to get his hands- the rope was tighter, and I was tired. After a minute, the fibers gave, and I tucked them back in. He wasn’t completely loose, but the rope was loose enough that he could get free and untie his feet and legs. The man didn’t pulled loose though- he realized he had to wait for the right moment. “Why?” he asked, very quietly.

He couldn’t see that I couldn’t speak.

I, of course, did not answer by the time Hans’ boots returned, but I swore that I can hear the blond man thank me in a voice just below a whisper. Hans tossed me out of the cell with a “Get out, rat!” and stuffed the blond man’s ears and mouth again with a sneer.

The next morning, instead of going to serve food, I was sent to reconditioning, which took place in another building. It made me panic, thinking that the two men were killed if they didn’t need to be fed, and I knew that reconditioning was going to hurt.

I couldn’t remember how it was done, or for how long, but I remembered the pain of it. I was then an experiment again, chained down and injected with something that made me hopelessly dizzy, to a point where I couldn’t see. It hurt a lot, and so I thrashed and cried, unable to curl into a ball because of the chains. I had no idea how much time had passed, but I clung to the idea I  that I had helped someone, that I'd been brave. When the pain finally receded enough, I managed to fall asleep. In my dream, a boy is there. His eyes are a vivid blue-green that stare right through me. _“Why?”_ he asked me.

 _“Fight back.”_ I answer, or at least I think I do. In my dream, my voice was powerful.

\--

I woke up to the sound of someone cursing. It sounded like Paul. “Where?” a man’s voice, oddly familiar, demanded.

“Back there. Cell 0.” Paul spit out, and a set of boots came closer, and my cell door was unlocked. The owner of the boots stopped in the doorway.

“Eren,” The man’s voice called, voice angry and sad and confused, and someone else joined him. “Is this her?”


	2. Chapter 2

_ “Eren,” The man’s voice called, voice angry and sad and confused, and someone else joined him. “Is this her?” _

_ \--- _

“Yes,” the other voice answered, sounding furious again. His voice was familiar too, especially the anger in it.  I wondered if he was ever calm, ever happy, or if I was just imagining knowing that he was angry a lot. I forced my eyes to flutter open, to see if I was being sent off for reconditioning again. The people who did it were never the same twice. Either that, or I couldn’t remember that I’d seen them before.

Upon getting my eyes open, I could see that there was a man, blond, holding Paul’s key ring, standing in the doorway. Next to him was a boy,  _ the _ boy, with vivid blue-green eyes from my dream. The blond man approached, and unlocked the manacles holding my ankles. I stiffened as he came close to unlock my wrists, expectant of violence.

He freed me completely, and I curled up into a ball as soon as I could, head aching, body trembling. My cheek really hurt, but I couldn’t remember why. The blond man offered me a hand. I watched him, wary and frightened, and didn’t take it. I was used to traps, and this looked like one. I could never remember what happened during reconditioning, or how I’d get there, but I could remember that it hurt, that it hurt so bad that I feel like I was being ripped into tiny pieces. These two could have been tasked with taking me for more reconditioning, especially if they’d been asking Paul questions.

“She’s been reconditioned, you military fucks,” I heard Paul yell down the hall, sounding viciously satisfied. “There’s nothing in that tiny head of hers but air.”

“Shut up,” A man’s voice, dry and sharp, punctuated his wish with what sounded like a slap, and Paul shut up. Maybe these new people... _ weren’t _ with Paul?

“That’s not true. Look at me,” The boy, Eren, said, coming closer. I did, hesitantly, and we stared at one another. I was frightened because he was so familiar- I had to have known him once. That’s probably why I was reconditioned, to forget him. Why did I need to forget him? Who was he?  “We’re not going to hurt you.” Eren promised, eyes fierce with passion, a gentle fire. I just stared at him, eyes wide, unsure on if to trust him or not. No one had ever said that to me before, or at least not that I could remember.

“Hey, freakshow!” Paul interjected, voice terrible. “Jinora!” He bellowed the word, the bad word, and I screamed out in pain, grabbing my head as throb after throb of pain hit me. “ _ Jinnoorraaaaa _ !” Paul yelled it again before he went suspiciously quiet with a punching sound. Tears pricked at my eyes as my mind ached and ached. I curled up in a ball, shaking, gasping for air.

“Erwin?” The sharp voice asked, an unspoken question. The blond man didn’t answer him.

“It’s alright.” Eren was saying as the ringing in my ears dulled a bit. “You’re okay. You’re okay,” He repeated, and after a moment I peeked out of my ball. Eren was crouched to see me better, and offered me a warm smile when we made eye contact. “Hey, it’s okay.” He added when I stopped peeking, hiding my eyes behind my knees. He came closer, and an arm draped over my shoulders, making me flinch and whimper. The fact that he wasn’t hurting me was as curious as it was alarming.

Hadn’t he told me to fight? To fight back? Or was that a dream too? Did I even want to try and resist reconditioning? It hurt, like the bad word. I peeked out after a minute. I was warm under Eren’s arm, and that felt good. Good enough to risk getting beaten for, to risk curiosity.

“Here. Hold still.” Eren said, and I froze accordingly, making a frantic kind of noise when he reached for my face. Instead of punching or throttling, he used his sleeve to dab at my nose, drawing my attention to the fact that it was bleeding, red drips appearing on my shift and the bed below. “There. Better?” He asked quietly, voice no longer angry, even if his eyes still blazed with raw emotion.

“Eren,” Erwin said, just his name, but Eren seemed to understand what the blond man wanted.

“Can you hold still again for me?” He asked me, and then he was lifting me into his arms. “I’ve got you; you’re okay.” He soothed when I made a noise of distress, not sure if he was going to hurt me or not. I’d never been carried before. “There you go,” He added when I wrapped my arms around his neck and hid my face in his shirt. If he was going to hurt me in the end, I at least wanted as much warmth from him as possible.

We walked out of the cell, and down the hallway, the blond man following. “Christ, Erwin,” the dry voice said as we came around a corner. I dared a peek, and wished that I hadn’t. A man with an emotionless face, eyes a steely, sharp grey, was looking at us, looking at me. Paul’s head was under his foot, and Paul wasn’t moving. I saw a flash of pity on the emotionless man’s face, and I ducked back out of sight.

Eren carried me through hallways, Erwin and the sharp eyed man following a ways behind, occasionally talking in low voices. We were almost to a part of the building I’d never been to before when I heard the whistle of a weapon. It was instinctual to leap out of Eren’s arms, push him down, and just barely get nicked by the swing of a knife from a dark, side hallway. Time seemed to slow down.

A calm, natural feeling stole over me as I ducked the next jab, jumped to grab the wrist holding the knife, and yanked at just the right angle. A ‘pop’ filled the space, and then a crunch as I yanked hard, muscle memory, like trying to pull something apart. The man howled, falling, making room for me to see the others waiting- three of them.

“Fuck! Her loyalty program activated; move!” One of them yelled, and he ran away. One hesitated, but one kicked at me.

I dodged, movements smooth, and struck out with my elbow, getting him in the spine. I mounted off a wall so that I could punch his arm, and I yanked on the knife, breaking something in his hand and gaining possession of the weapon. I threw it, and it sank into the hesitating man’s knee, making him fall with a frightened and pained shout. A punch bruised my knuckles, but knocked him out. I blinked at the three men on the floor- no longer a threat. What had just happened? Time sped back up to its normal pace.

“Are you okay? You’re okay, right?” Eren was suddenly there, grasping my shoulders to look at me, face earnest. I blinked up at him, confused. Had I really just done that, fought back and won? I’d never done anything like that before-- it had happened without me realizing it. If I could have, I would have stopped myself; the violence bothered me. “Shoot. Hold still.” He said, and I realized that my arm was hurt; a red line of blood was welling up on my skin. Eren made to take off his jacket.

“What happened?” Erwin and the sharp eyed man appeared around the corner, jogging to get to the sight of the commotion. 

  
“I--I don’t know. We were attacked, and she just-,” Eren gestured into the darkened hallway, where the three men were lying, some unconscious, some half-awake, in pain. “She protected me.” Eren said, voice dawning on the truth. He then remembered his previous line of thought and shed his jacket, tucking it over my shoulders, enveloping me in heat. I held the lapel of it after a moment to draw it closer, relishing the heat, even though my mind felt blank.

“Hmm.” The sharp eyed man said, looking from me to the three bodies on the floor. They were big men, the size of Erwin, and I was little; Sharp-Eyed man was short, but I was much shorter. I barely came up to his thigh.

I hesitantly leaned over and tugged on Eren’s pant leg to get his attention, and then pointed down the dark hallway. “Oh, that’s right! There were four of them!” Eren understood me after a few seconds.

“I’ll take care of it.” Sharp-Eyed man said, stepping around us to investigate. I shoved him out of the way when a knife whizzed out of the black, not caring that it split open my hurt cheek before embedding into the wall behind us.

I ran into the hallway without a second thought, and two punches later, the final man was down, groaning, and my rescuers, who I could now fight for, were truly safe. Footsteps raced behind me, and Sharp-Eyed man joined me, followed by Eren and then Erwin. “Why did you do that?” Sharp-Eyes asked harshly, leaning over me.

“Levi,” Erwin warned him when I flinched at the anger in his tone. Had I done something wrong? Defending them had felt natural. What was it, the words I’d heard in my head? ‘Fight back!’? Even if the violence bothered me, I felt a little better knowing that it was for the sake of these people. I opened my mouth, but no words came out, so I looked down, watching blood drip off my face and onto the floor. “Hold still.” Erwin said quietly, voice calmer, and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket. He knelt, adjusted Eren’s jacket around my shoulders, and pressed his handkerchief gently to my face, fingers very carefully lifting my chin to get a better look.

Why was that familiar to me? Why hadn’t I flinched away?

“Does it hurt?” Erwin was asking, drawing me out of my mind. He was watching me with a touch of concern, seeing as I was staring almost past him with wide eyes. He leaned down obligingly when I reached up, brow crumpling in confusion, to touch his chin, pressure feather-light. The action felt familiar, like I’d done it but forgotten. “Do you remember me?” He added, prompting, hoping.

I shook my head, looking down, letting go of him. He was familiar, but not recognizable. I felt a pang of disappointment- I wanted to know how I’d known him. Erwin seemed disappointed too, and that made me feel worse.

“I’ll handle this.” Levi repeated. “You’ve got your hands full.” He added as Erwin dabbed at the cut again, one more time, before standing back up.

Eren didn’t pick me up, but he took my hand to steer me out, following Erwin. I could linger a step behind his leg, cautious. I was glad for the cover, but I balked as we stepped out of the building.


	3. Chapter 3

_Eren didn’t pick me up, but he took my hand to steer me out, following Erwin. I could linger a step behind his leg, cautious. I was glad for the cover, but I balked as we stepped out of the building._

\--

There was a breeze. New scents. A few, tiny weeds growing up among the cobblestones in the road. Sunlight that made me squint, even though it felt good on my warm skin. Giant, puffy white things in the sky- clouds. I couldn’t help but stare and stare, reaching an arm up, as if to touch them. They looked soft.

I was anxious in the moving box, pulled by gigantic horses, but I somehow trusted Eren and Erwin. Eren kept an arm slung around my shoulders, and his jacket was warm. Eren and Erwin talked the whole way back, discussing things like ‘titan strength’ and ‘brainwashing’ and ‘experiments’. I just listened, my feet curled up underneath me to keep them warm.

When the box stopped, I stepped out onto more stone. We’d traveled to a new building, and, for a moment, I was afraid of new cells, new terrified faces of girls my age. Of new tests. However, Erwin and Eren didn’t seem afraid, so I let Eren take my hand again to lead me in. I could hear other people, talking. They sounded free, and happy. Not prisoners.

Erwin split off from us, and I watched him go with some anxiety, steps faltering. “He’ll be right back. You’ll see him soon.” Eren soothed, and I trusted his response. He led me to, of all places, a bathroom. This one was clean, and there wasn’t blood anywhere.

There was a knock on the door, and Erwin returned, followed by another woman. Her hair wasn’t red or brown or blond, but all three. She smiled at me softly, a bit nervously, with the same pity I’d seen from my other saviors. Regardless, I stepped back, moving behind Eren’s leg a bit. “It’s okay; Petra is a friend. She’s here to help.” Eren said, urging me back out with his arm. I watched her with wide eyes.

“Hi. You look cold, and your face looks like it hurts.” Petra said softly, crouching a bit to be more on my level. “I’m a medic; that means I make people feel better. Can I look at it, and help you clean up?”

Medic. Medical. That’s what the sign on the wall always said as I left reconditioning. I squirmed loose of Eren and backed into the nearest corner, trying not to tremble. “Hey.” Eren knelt on the floor in front of me. “You don’t have to be scared. No one is going to hurt you here.” He said, reaching out to touch my knee. Even his hands were warm. “I need you to trust me, okay? Trust me when I say that Petra is a friend. She won’t hurt you either.”

I slowly took his hand when he offered it, and let him help me up off the floor. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you alright?” Petra asked, and I nodded hesitantly.

“I’ll be right outside, with Erwin. Right outside the door. Can you stay here, and let Petra help you?” Eren asked, and I froze. I trusted him, and Petra seemed nice, but the idea of medicine made me cringe. “You’ll be fine. I know you can do it.” Eren said, leaving slowly, walking out backwards. It took effort to not outwardly show too much panic as the door closed, leaving Petra and I alone.

“Have you ever had a bubble bath?” Petra asked, filling the tub. I’d only ever seen it empty, stained with gore, and so I watched it fill, half on edge, half fascinated. She added something to it, and bubbles formed. “Okay. Time to get in. Do you need help getting undressed?” Petra asked.

I carefully shrugged out of and folded Eren’s jacket, shivering instantly without it. My shift underneath meant nothing to me, so I had no worries about parting with it. I stuck a leg in the water and nearly ejected myself halfway across the room- it was warm!

“You okay?” Petra asked, confused. “It’s just water. Have you never had a warm bath before?” She asked, and I shook my head, cautiously reapproaching. The heat of the water was both good and bad- it was warm, but it reminded me that my body still hurt- my ribs, my arm, down to my very bones. Petra washed my hair for me, and I closed my eyes, afraid, when she had to cut most of it off. Scissors were weapons, but she didn’t hurt me.

The bath made me very tired, but I could see more of my skin again, the blood was gone. All that remained were bruises, on my ribs in the shape of boot prints, and on my neck. There was one on my cheek, swelling a bit around the cut. Darker ones wrapped around my wrists and ankles- the last test with the dizzy feeling had really hurt.

Petra helped me get dressed from the bottom up- a pair of white trousers, like hers, and something to cover my feet- socks. The trousers were too big, and the socks were floppy. Petra rolled them both up for me. Then, a type of shirt that left my arms exposed, but it was soft. It went down to my knees. Instead of grabbing the next piece of clothing, Petra opened a cabinet and pulled out a red box with a white symbol on it- medicine. “Shhh. You’re okay.” Petra soothed when I let out a distressed noise. “Look,” she added, opening it.

There were no syringes. Most of the box had bandages in it. There was a bottle of some liquid, a tin that looked like a cream, and a bottle of pills, however. I paled at the sight of them, especially when Petra opened the liquid one and pressed a bandage on top, soaking it. She started rubbing it gently on the cut on my arm, and it burned.

“I know. I know it hurts; I’m sorry.” Petra said, sounding truly hurt, when I whimpered. I trembled with the effort it took not to run away, breathing fast. I trusted Petra, trusted Eren, trusted Erwin. They wanted me to do this. I had to do it. Petra bandaged the cut on my arm with care. “Okay; one more. I’m sorry.” She said, wetting a new bandage and using it to dab at my face.

I squeezed my eyes shut, panting, but didn’t make a sound as she cleaned my cheek. It hurt, but not like the tests, the experiments. This was less pain, and Petra didn’t enjoy doing it to me. She wasn’t rough. I didn’t know what this medicine would do, but after the initial burn it didn’t hurt anymore.

“Do you still hurt? Hurt a lot?” Petra asked when she was done with the liquid and the bandages. She’d helped me put on a blouse, like hers, that was too big. The sleeves were long and floppy, so she rolled them up for me. “Here, and here?” She asked, touching her ribs and her neck, where my bruises were.

I nodded, hesitant, as she put a jacket around my shoulders. It was cold; no one had been wearing it before me, but it still felt good. The door knocked, and Petra invited them in. Erwin and Eren came back inside, looking happy and relieved at how I’d changed. I’d made them look that way, even if it had terrified me, so I felt a little better. “You look much better.” Erwin said, tone warm, and the praise made my insides glow a bit.

“She’s got a bit of a fever, which is probably from some kind of injection mark I found on her arm, and she says she hurts. One of her ribs may be fractured. Someone kicked her, here.” Petra gestured on herself, and Eren’s eyes flashed with fire.

“I was there. For the kicking, I mean; it was a guard. I couldn’t do anything.” A fury I found familiar built in his tone, his eyes. Every muscle went taut, rigid with tension. “Do you not feel well?” He asked, touching his arm, to remind me of the injection Petra knew about. The last test, the one that made me dizzy. He reached out, pressed a hand to my forehead. His hands were still warm- I still was cold. I was always cold, even if Petra said that I felt warm.

“This will help,” Petra picked up the pills, opened the bottle. I watched her, seizing up in terror, as she went to get a glass of water, opening a cabinet, turning a tap. She’d taken just one pill out of the bottle, but even just one could make my insides burn.

“Petra, wait.” Erwin noticed first, and crouched in front of me. “Let me guess- pills are bad, right? Every pill you’ve ever seen has made you feel worse?” He asked, and I nodded jerkily, not taking my eyes off of it. My chest felt tight at the thought of pills, of being forced to swallow them. “I promise you that this pill is different. It doesn’t hurt.” Erwin said, but I shook my head, disbelieving.

“You did so well, trusting Petra. Can you trust us again? We just want to make you feel better.” Eren added. “Please?” He added, and I shook my head faster, eyes smarting with tears.

“Here. Watch me.” Erwin took the pill from Petra and swallowed it down with water before I could register what he was doing. I let out a distressed cry, touching his neck, his chest. Sometimes, if I could hit myself hard enough in the gut, I’d vomit the pills back up. He had to get it out of him! “It’s alright. Look. I’m fine.” Erwin reassured me, gesturing to himself. He wasn’t writhing in pain, screaming, or burning. He was...fine? I blinked at him, stunned and still upset.

“Your turn. If I can do it, you can do it.” He said, taking the bottle and shaking out another pill. I let out a little whine, but let him put it in my hand, his big, calloused, and strong, mine small and frail. I opened my hand, looked at the capsule, and swallowed hard, fingers shaking. Still, I had to do it. If Erwin wanted it, I’d do it.

My eyes stung with tears as I took the pill, insides churning at the sensation. “Good job. I’m so proud of you.” Erwin told me, smiling, which was a reward in itself. “You’re okay. It’s going to be fine,” He reassured, doing an odd thing. He drew me in close, wrapping his arms around me and holding on to me. The onslaught of heat, and a slight smell of something familiar felt good, and I burrowed in closer without shame.

When he let go, he flicked a tear or two off of my face, minding the bandage on my cheek with care. “Petra is going to watch over you now, alright? You can sleep and feel better when you wake up.”

“We’ll come check on you. You’ll see us again really soon.” Eren reassured me. I’d normally protest a little more, but I did feel very, very tired. My body still hurt, and my head felt a little dizzy. I trusted Petra, letting her take my hand and lead me to a room. It was pretty- there were flowers, a window, and it was clean. The bed didn’t even scare me.

“This where I sleep. I hope that’s okay?” Petra asked, and I nodded sluggishly. She drew the covers back, waited for me to get in, and then draped them over me. I’d never had blankets before. These were soft, and smelled sweet and fragrant. “I’ll be right here with you.” I heard Petra promise before I fell asleep.

My first thought, upon waking, was that I’d been reconditioned. I was lying on something soft and clean, and I was warm. The only explanation for such comfort was that I couldn’t remember why I’d been allowed such happiness. My body felt hot, my vision dizzy even behind closed lids, but I felt safe.  “Human trafficking as a cover? And they went this long without being caught?” I could hear Petra- she sounded upset. “She’s what, five? Six?”

“No one looks for homeless children, Petra.” Levi’s voice, and the two of them went quiet. The silence was bitter, and sad.

“I can’t believe this is what Erwin wants. Training her as a bodyguard, a soldier? She’s just a child.” Petra said after a moment.

“Don’t be emotional about it. She broke the arm of a man who weighed four times as much as she does; she can be absolutely lethal with the right training, and she ‘imprinted’ on Erwin and Eren for sure. Separating them would be stupid and cruel.” Levi responded.

“You’re going to teach a child how to kill people.” Petra repeated, voice hardening.

“The only reason I’m here today is because someone taught _me_ how.” Levi responded, tone hardening to match Petra’s. “For now, it’s the best option. Besides, she might already know how. We can’t not gauge that possible threat.”

“What about expeditions? Are you going to ask a child to kill titans with you?” Petra challenged. She was defending me, but I wasn’t sure what they were talking about. What were titans? If any of these new people needed protecting from them, I’d do it. I wanted to. “Unbelievable!” Petra raged, voice getting loud, when Levi apparently said yes. I stirred, opening my eyes. I was curled on my side, snuggled under a blanket. “Oh. Sorry, did I wake you up?” Petra asked in a much softer voice, appearing as she rounded the side of the bed. I blinked dizzily at her, rubbing my eye with my fist. Petra caught my hand, gently, and inspected it. “Levi, get Erwin.” She said, voice sharp.

“What? Why?” Levi appeared too, his sharp gaze sharpening further as he looked at me. He exchanged a look with Petra, loaded with a meaning I didn’t understand.

“Honey, can you sit up for me?” Petra asked me, tone calm, and she helped me sit up. “Gone. It’s all gone.” Petra said, voice odd as she gently touched my neck, tilting my head a little to see better. “Hold still, okay? Sorry if this tugs.” She told me, and eased the bandage off of my cheek. “Oh my Sina,” She whispered at the sight.

“I’ll get him.” Levi turned and left abruptly, closing the door behind him, leaving Petra and I alone. I briefly wondered why they wanted Erwin to see me, but I was too tired and dizzy to think about it for too long.

“You--you seem kind of off. Are you okay?” Petra asked me kindly, pressing a hand to my forehead, feeling for a temperature. She frowned at what she felt. She asked permission first, which I gave with a sluggish nod, and she got rid of the jacket around my shoulders and unbuttoned the blouse. It was cold, which made me shiver, and she then lifted the shirt without sleeves, looking at my side. The dark, boot print splotches from the last time I remembered had faded to a light green. “Sorry, I know it’s cold.” Petra apologized, lowering the sleeveless undershirt and peeling off the one sleeve of the blouse. She very carefully undid the bandage on my arm, and seemed more upset than before when all that was left on my arm was a pink line. She helped me put my arm back through, and tugged the blankets up higher. “Try not to fall asleep again, okay? Erwin’s coming.” She told me, taking out the red box again. I didn’t even flinch when she took out a thermometer, sticking it under my tongue.

She waited for the thermometer to read in silence, looking at the floor, expression concerned. I couldn’t tell if it was real or not- everything looked blurry around the edges. I kept myself awake by counting every time the curtains moved by the window. I hit four times when there was a knock on the door. Without waiting for a reply, it opened, and Erwin came in, followed by Levi. His face was blurry until he came up close on the other side of the bed. “You see?” Levi asked, gesturing vaguely to me.

Petra took out the thermometer, read it, and looked more worried than before. Erwin sat on the edge of the mattress, and very lightly turned my face, examining my cheek. I assumed that it looked like my arm-- the cut gone. “The men you interrogated didn’t mention this?” Erwin asked Levi, feeling my forehead too. A frown pulled at his face.

“Just one last experiment. Whatever they put in her arm.” Levi answered. “Hanji looked it over, but they say they can’t do anything to identify it without a starting point.”

“Does it hurt? Do you not feel well?” Petra asked when I closed my eyes, exhausted. “Come on, honey.” She reached under the blanket, letting in a bit of cold air, to grip my hand. It didn’t matter-- I was already falling asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

_ “Does it hurt? Do you not feel well?” Petra asked when I closed my eyes, exhausted. “Come on, honey.” She reached under the blanket, letting in a bit of cold air, to grip my hand. It didn’t matter-- I was already falling asleep.  _

\--

“--just for a little while. You’ve got work to do.” Levi was saying, voice gruff. Then, to my surprise, I felt someone lift the blanket I was under and crawl in next to me. I think I made a faint whimper at the influx of cold air, but the warm body that replaced it drew me towards the source of heat. An arm, sure and strong, let me cuddle in. I thought I heard Levi make an odd spluttering noise, like a bird.

“Are you awake?” It was Eren’s voice, and a gentle touch ran through my hair, now short and fluffy. He pressed a hand to my forehead and I dragged my eyelids back, fluttering a few times as I worked past weariness. It was dark under the blanket, but I could see light filtering in around Eren’s head. “Hey,” he said softly, offering me a relieved smile. I could tell right away that I was no longer in Petra’s bed, but I was too tired to panic at when I’d been moved, and why I didn’t remember it. Eren was lying on his side, and I’d curled up under his arm, facing his chest, seeking the heat. I heard Levi walk away, and so I closed my eyes, relishing the warmth and quiet.

“--fell asleep again. You still with me, kiddo?” Eren’s voice was back, waking me up by gently ruffling my hair. I rubbed my eyes with my fists, trying to wake up, and blinked up at the blue-green eyes above me. “Look who came by to see you,” he said, pulling the blanket down and letting the light in, along with a puff of cold air. I wrinkled my nose at the light, rubbing my eyes again. Sitting on the edge of the bed, looking over the blanket cocoon, was Erwin.

After a moment, I remembered my anxiety on taking the pill, Erwin coaching me through it, falling asleep, and then waking up to Petra and her concern. I sat up fast, eyes wide. “It’s alright. Do you feel any better?” Erwin asked, and I touched my cheek. There wasn’t even a scar! Curious, I felt down to my neck, to the scar that had been with me since before I could remember clearly. I hoped more than anything that the line would be gone, but when my fingers reached the spot, there was still a scar on my throat.

Hope and sadness and a thousand words clogged my throat, my brain shutting down. Even if the scar was still there, what if I was fixed inside? Was it possible, to talk again? Could I even remember how? “Easy, kiddo.” Eren said reassuringly, sitting up next to me. “You look better. Do you feel better?”

I nodded, afraid to try speaking and fail. Erwin and Eren passed a brief look between one another, but they didn’t seem disappointed. Erwin stood up, and offered me a hand out of bed. I took it, clambering out and looking up at Erwin. He was  _ extremely _ tall. “How about some lunch?” He asked, and I blinked, not understanding. “Food,” he summarized, a hint of a sad smile at the corner of his mouth.

‘Lunch’ was interesting. Eren had to go (Levi said he had a job to do, and got oddly gruff when I watched them both go with disappointment), but Erwin stayed with me. I had really only ever had porridge and bread, or at the very least that was all I could remember eating. The stew was for guards and the occasional high prisoner. For ‘lunch’, Erwin offered me a sandwich, and I couldn’t stop playing with it. I separated all of the components- a piece of lettuce, a red thing I wasn’t familiar with, a piece of meat, and a piece of cheese. I nibbled bits of each one, testing them, figuring out what they tasted like. I figured out that I could still smile, even if it was shy, but Erwin had smiled when I did, so I wasn’t so embarrassed. He smiled extra big and laughed when I tried the funny drink and had been very surprised at the flavor. I decided that I liked ‘tea’ after all, but that it kind of tasted weird.

After lunch, Erwin had to go. I was sad to see him go too, and he reassured me that he’d return as he left me with Eren and Levi. Eren was grinning. Levi’s expression was flat, as usual, but I wasn’t nearly as scared by it anymore, especially with Eren there. “Hey, kiddo!” Eren squatted to be at my level, still grinning with an honest, fiery happiness that drew me in. “Lunch was good, right?”

I nodded, smiling shyly.

“Do you want to try something new?” Eren asked, glancing at Levi. “It’s a game to see who can pick up the bigger rock- you or me. Sound fun?”

I hesitated, and looked questioningly at Levi. Didn’t he want to play too?

“Yes, I’ll play,” he sighed, and Eren’s smile got wider. He took my hand, and led me to a courtyard. Piled in one corner were a bunch of rocks- some big, some small.

“Whew!” Eren dramatically pretended to strain in picking up a pebble, planting his feet and letting out a grunt. I had to bite at my shy smile to hold back a giggle. “Your turn, sir.” Eren told Levi.

Levi picked up a bigger rock, the size of an apple, hefting it in his hand. He raised an eyebrow as I looked up at him. “Your turn, bra--kiddo.”

Determined to make them proud, I selected a rock the size of my head and picked it up, offering it to Eren and Levi for inspection. “Wow. Good job!” Eren congratulated. He lifted a rock as big as his head, and Levi managed, after a moment, to pick up one just larger. “That was hard wor--!” Eren stopped talking as I picked up the biggest rock in the pile, balancing some of it on my head. It was a good rock, about as tall as I was. It wasn’t very heavy.

“You win,” Levi deadpanned, but his expression had been as surprised as Eren’s. I set the rock down, looking at my hands.

“You did it!” Eren celebrated, picking me up and setting me on his shoulders. He ran around in circles and made funny noises, flapping his arms, until I giggled, unable to stop myself. I slapped my hands over my mouth when I realized it, cutting off the laughter. “You okay, kiddo?” Eren asked, tugging on my foot, looking up at me with curiosity and then an expression I didn’t understand, a sad one.

I wasn’t chained anymore. I could make noise, right? Laughing seemed to be okay- Erwin had, at lunch, when I’d tried tea and had made a face. “Let’s try a new game,” Levi said, pulling me out of my thoughts. “You’ll have to be careful,” he said over his shoulder, leading the way. Eren carried me there on his shoulders, which made me feel really tall.

“Oh. Darts?” He asked Levi as he came to a stop. A few feet away was a circle, haloed by two rings. Sitting on the ground was a box of strange objects with pointed tips. The ends reminded me of needles. I froze at the sight of them; I was terrified of needles. “Hey, it’s okay! Darts aren’t scary.” Eren picked one up, showing it to me in his hand. I twisted some of his hair nervously around my fingers as I looked at the dart.

“You try to hit the middle of the circle with the pointy end,” Levi summarized, picking up a dart. He threw it, and it hit the edge of the circle. He walked over to go get it, and Eren craned his head back to look at me.

“You wanna try?” He offered, and I nodded. He handed me the dart, and I held it cautiously, getting used to the weight. When Levi was no longer in the way, I threw the dart. It hit the center, and Eren whistled in appreciation. He handed me another, and another. They all clustered in the middle, a perfect circle.

OoOoOoO

That night, I got to spend time with Erwin. He was sitting at a desk, looking at a bunch of squiggles on paper. I faintly remembered the word ‘reading’, and that I’d loved it. I wasn’t sure if that was true, because none of the squiggles made sense to me.

I sat on Erwin’s lap and watched his hand skim the pages, occasionally adding squiggles or crossing something out. I didn’t want to look up and bother him, but I wondered what he looked like when he was concentrating. His eyebrows were kinda big- did they come downward in thought? Did they move like little caterpillars?

When he stopped reading and started tidying up the stack, I tugged a bit on his sleeve to get his attention, and then looked up at him, miming writing in empty space. “You want to try? Here,” Erwin flipped a page over, and pulled a second pen out of the drawer. He went back to work.

I looked at the stack of papers he’d been using last. They weren’t quite straight- some of the sheets at the bottom were poking out. There were three squiggles separated from a mass of tinier squiggles, so I started to copy it, glancing at how Erwin held his pen before starting.

My squiggles were bigger, and a little shaky, but looked just like the other ones. I started it again, aimlessly, and got rid of the shakiness. I was on my third round, the letters coming out smaller and neater, when Erwin looked over. “Do you know what that says?” He asked, and I shook my head, finishing the word I’d been on before setting down the pen. Erwin put a finger under the first word.

“Commander.” He said, and moved to the next one. “Erwin.” I looked up at him, surprised, as he pointed to the last one, “Smith. My name.” He told me, smile gentle. “Do you have one? A name?” He asked, tone careful.

The bad word.

I winced a bit as my ear stung, but I picked up the pen. Did I remember how to do this? Write my name? My letters were shaky again as I started the ‘J’, then the ‘i’. The stinging turned into a sharp throb as I wrote the letter ‘n’ and I dropped the pen, a pained noise making it out of me.

“It’s alright. I think I know what you mean.” Erwin sounded different now, like he was angry and trying not to be. I hoped he wasn’t angry at me. He picked up my pen and finished my name on the paper, the bad word. “This is it, isn’t it?” he asked, and I nodded, sniffling. “Alright. I’m sorry, we won’t talk about it again. I’m sorry that it hurts.” Erwin said, pulling out his handkerchief and dabbing at my nose. It had started bleeding again, but not as bad as before. He picked up the piece of paper, folded it so that just my writing of his name was visible, and propped it up on his desk.

“Come on, you. Time for bed.” He picked me up in his arm, and I wrapped my legs around his torso for support, my arms around his neck. I rested my head on his shoulder and tried not to think about the bad word.


	5. Chapter 5

_ “Come on, you. Time for bed.” He picked me up in his arm, and I wrapped my legs around his torso for support, my arms around his neck. I rested my head on his shoulder and tried not to think about the bad word. _

_ \-- _

I was a little bit scared. They gave me my own room, but it was empty. The bed was comfy, like Petra’s, but I was alone. I convinced myself that I’d been alone for a long time, and that this wouldn’t be any different.

After waking up from my third nightmare, I got up. I didn’t go far, just to the next door down the hallway, and I knocked, scared. I had almost convinced myself to turn around and leave when the door opened. “What the  _ fu _ \--oh.” It was Levi, in pajamas. His expression had been warlike, and mad, so I stepped back hastily, pressing my back to the opposite wall, feeling small. “It’s alright,” Levi reassured, crouching to not be so tall. “Can’t sleep?” he asked, and I nodded after a moment, clutching the hem of the big shirt I was wearing.

He extended a hand to me, and after a moment, I came across the hall and took it. He shut the door behind us and led the way over to his bed, where the blanket was thrown back. He lifted me up onto the bed, yawning, “Don’t take all the covers.”

He got back in, pulling the blankets up over my head. To my delight, he was warm, like Erwin and Eren were, so I snuggled close. “Gah! Your feet are freezing!” Levi complained. He reached down under the covers, wormed his socks off, and pulled them onto my feet. “Now go to sleep,” He said gruffly, draping an arm over me.

I woke up a few times, shaking so hard I felt like I’d been tested on again, breaths coming in stuttering gasps. Levi’s hand rubbed my back, and each time he told me to go back to sleep, so I did. Eventually, I woke up, but not from a nightmare, and I was groggy. Levi was asleep, and so I didn’t want to get up and possibly wake him. I ran a finger up and down the stripe pattern of his shirt for a little while, enjoying the silence and the heat.

“Captain Levi? Sir, there’s an emergency!” Someone knocked on the door, hard and fast, and Levi groaned, rolling over, pulling me in closer. I wormed out from under his arm, nearly tripping in his gigantic socks on my way across the room. “That little girl isn’t in her room. Petra is checking with Comman--!” I reached up and opened the door, blinking blearily up at the person knocking.

I’d never met him before. He didn’t have any hair, like the guards, but he seemed nice. His eyes were big, brown, and surprised as he stared down at me. I rubbed my eye with my fist, curious but sleepy. “Cadet, it’s three in the morning.” Levi said, voice chilly, from the bed, and Cadet snapped to attention, looking nervous. “She had a nightmare and crawled in with me.”

“I--I apologize, sir.” Cadet stammered, but he was fighting down a smile. “Hi. I’m Conny. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Conny? Cadet? Whatever his name was, his smile was nice. He crouched in front of me, some odd kind of gear around his waist clinking a bit. “You’re pretty cute.” He told me, and I smiled shyly.

“Conny, she wasn’t with Erwin, or Eren. Have you--? Oh, there you are!” Petra appeared, jogging over to the door.

“It’s three in the morning.” Levi repeated, grumpy. Conny stood up, smiling apologetically.

“Sorry, Levi,” Petra apologized. “You should go back to bed too, honey.” She told me as Conny waved goodbye behind her, probably going to tell everyone that there was no reason to worry. I hesitantly waved back, and he winked at me.

I shut the door after waving shyly to Petra, and made my way back to Levi’s bed, nearly tripping again in his socks. I blinked at him from the side, my eyes barely making it past the mattress. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed back- Levi was nice, but he was also kind of scary. He cracked an eye and looked at me.

“Come on,” He invited in a sigh, lifting his arm and the blanket back up. I clambered back in, snuggling back down.

OoOoOoO

“Can you think of a new name you want us to call you?” Erwin asked at ‘breakfast’. He and Eren had laughed off the false alarm this morning, and Levi had been gruff about explaining that I’d crawled in with him. Once we’d gotten it cleared up, Erwin had changed the subject back to names.

“New?” Eren asked, looking confused.

“Her name is the trigger word.” Levi put together, glancing at me. His expression was bitter; both angry and sad. I’d frozen at my breakfast, staring at it without seeing it, at the reminder. I was half afraid of them saying it on accident. I could feel reminiscent throbs in my temples at just the thought of the bad word.

Eren made a very angry noise, like when Paul had been kicking me, and it made me flinch, head automatically ducking at the expectation of violence. Erwin took my hand on the bench and held it, which made me feel a little better, even though my insides felt grey and empty. Levi sent Eren a look I couldn’t read, and he visibly took a few breaths, making his furious expression disappear.

“Think about it, okay? I’d like to call you by something. A name is very important; it’s the one thing that is truly yours.” Erwin told me, and the grey feeling got worse. I  _ had _ a name; it was the bad word. I didn’t want another one. All the other ones I’d give myself to pass the time had never felt right.

“Don’t be sad. You’re strong; you’ll find a new name.” Levi told me, voice gruff.

Strong? I blinked, looking up, the world coming back into focus. Levi thought I was strong? How could he? Was it because I picked up the biggest rock? Why didn’t that make the grey feeling go away?

“Do you want to try and ride a horse today?” Erwin asked, changing the subject delicately. I just nodded, heart not really into it; I had a lot to think about. Breakfast was quiet, and not just because I never said anything.

OoOoOoO

“This is Jean.” Eren had taken my hand after breakfast, and he led me to the stables. Horses were so big, which made me nervous. The man waiting for us was also very tall, taller than Eren. He looked surprised to see me. “He likes horses.” Eren said, and Jean let out a huffing noise, exasperated.

“When Captain Levi said I was recruited to a special project, I didn’t expect this.” He said, kneeling to get a good look at me. I peeked at him from around Eren’s leg, trying not to fidget. “Nice to meet you,” he told me, offering me a hand.

I looked to Eren for permission, and he nodded to me, smile encouraging. Jean shook my hand up and down, something I didn’t understand, but didn’t really mind.

Jean sat me on his shoulder while he fed the horses, and after getting to actually look one in the face and shyly pet it, I wasn’t nearly so scared of them. Jean made exaggerated horse noises that made me giggle a bit, and he gave me a carrot to feed to one of the horses. The horse’s mouth was smooth, and it slimed on my hand, making me gasp and giggle even more. It was a tickling feeling.

“Okay, be careful.” Jean said, helping me climb onto the horse’s back. The horse was tied to the stable door, so I was only worried about the height. I was small in the saddle, and I held onto the horn-thing tightly, unsure. “See! Not so bad, right?” He said after a second of me sitting stiffly, unsure on what to do.

In the end, he walked the horse around the courtyard, and I rode on the saddle. The movement of the horse was kind of relaxing, the back and forth. A few new people walked by, and they all waved and smiled at me. A few stopped to talk to Jean for just a moment, tone curious, voices low. They glanced at me a lot, and Jean made a weird motion with his shoulders, a shrug.

After a few minutes, Jean walked the horse back to the stable. “That was fun, right? Would you do it again, sometime?” He asked, and I nodded my agreement. Being on the horse had been, surprisingly, a lot of fun.

“Heads up, pony boy!” A voice called, laughing, and an apple whizzed towards Jean’s head. I wasn’t even aware that I’d moved until I was in the air, catching the apple. Before I hit the ground, I threw it back, hard, and a boy ducked out of the way, yelling in fright. The apple exploded against the stone wall behind him, leaving no trace behind but a few shredded globs of apple. I landed on the ground and blinked, looking at my hands.

“Holy Maria, what on Earth--?!” The boy who’d thrown the apple asked, gaping from where he was sprawled on the ground.

“What? What was that for?! Was that  _ you?! _ ” Jean asked me, astounded and...horrified?

“Kirchstein! Adams!” Levi’s voice barked, and he came jogging over, expression stormy. “What about “delicate situation” did you not understand, cadet?” he asked furiously, bearing down on the boy I’d nearly hurt. He wasn’t mean, I could tell. Why did I nearly hurt him?

Was I like the guards? Like Hans and Paul? Was I mean? Did I hurt people? The thought made me feel ill, and I felt my eyes burn with tears. I hadn’t wanted to hurt anybody. I hadn’t even thought about defending Jean-- I just had.

“I  _ was _ delicate! I just didn’t expect-- _ that _ , sir!” Jean was protesting, sounding scared. The fact that I’d made him like that, made him feel that way, made a choking sob escape before I could stop it. Jean looked startled as he realized that I was crying, and Levi turned to look, eyes widening as he realized it too.

I pictured the apple hitting the boy instead of the wall, his head turning to mush before I could stop myself, and I turned and ran away. I heard someone yell behind me, a ‘Come back!’, but I kept running. I’d never had the option to run before; I’d always been chained. I ran and ran until I found a closet. I took refuge inside, and up onto a shelf, crawling halfway into a box in the darkest corner.

I cried silently for a long time. My name wasn’t mine anymore, I sometimes hurt people, even good people, and I did it without thinking. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Did I hurt them as much as tests had hurt me? I didn’t want that. After a while, I could hear people calling, searching. Someone opened the door to my closet, but they checked the ground, not the upper shelf. They were hasty, frantic, and shut the door again after only a few seconds.

I stayed in the closet until my stomach hurt- I was hungry. The food here was so good, and my tummy wanted more. Did I deserve it? Guards often told me that I didn’t deserve it, but now I finally understood why I wouldn’t. The thought made me feel even more grey inside, until I had to fight back sniffles again. Eventually, I crawled down off the shelf.


	6. Chapter 6

_ I stayed in the closet until my stomach hurt- I was hungry. The food here was so good, and my tummy wanted more. Did I deserve it? Guards often told me that I didn’t deserve it, but now I finally understood why I wouldn’t. The thought made me feel even more grey inside, until I had to fight back sniffles again. Eventually, I crawled down off the shelf. _

_ \-- _

The hallways were quiet when I stepped out of the closet. I tried not to cry as I wandered around a corner, then two. Eventually, I found my way back to my room. I almost went in, hesitated, and then went to Levi’s room instead. I knocked, and a curt, “Come in,” was the response.

I peeked around the door, just an eye and a few fingers, expectant of violence. Surely I’d be punished for nearly hurting that boy. The thought of being hit made dread curl in my gut. Levi was writing at his desk, expression dark and furious. “Report, cadet,” he snapped, looking up. The anger on his face didn’t disappear when he looked down and realized that it was me, and I felt my insides twist. He got up extremely quickly, pulling the door open.

I tried to run, scared that he was going to hit me, but a strong arm caught me around the middle. I whimpered, terrified, when another arm encircled me, holding me to his chest. Was he going to crush me? Strangle me? I trembled in his grasp. “Why did you run away?  _ Never _ run away!” Levi said harshly, hugging me tight.

I cried some more, terrified and ashamed and sad, and Levi just held onto me. He rubbed my back, like he had when I had a nightmare. Levi picked me up, and I clung to him, burying my face in his jacket. He walked briskly, jogging occasionally, until we arrived at a door. He walked in without knocking.

“Levi!” It was Erwin’s office; I heard him stand hastily, sounding relieved. “Where did you find her?”

“She found me; came to my room,” Levi answered, voice gruff again.

“Conny, call off the search,” Erwin said, and I heard another pair of feet leave. Then, a gentle hand touched the back of my head, making me flinch. “It’s alright. It wasn’t your fault.” He told me, voice low, and I shook my head mutely against Levi’s chest.

“Hey. Listen to him.” Levi said, hefting me pointedly. “You didn’t mean to, right?” He said, and I nodded frantically. I would want to protect Jean-- he was nice. But I didn’t want to like the way I had. I didn’t want to hurt people! I gripped Levi’s shirt tight, wishing he could hear what I was thinking, wishing that I had the courage and the ability to say it.

“We know that you want to protect us.” Erwin said, voice gentle. “We understand that you do it instinctively. Do you know what that means?” He asked, and after a moment, I nodded, sniffling a bit. “Someone made you like that; you didn’t choose to be like that. That means it’s not your fault.”

I dared to peek. Erwin didn’t look mad. He actually looked kind of grey. He ran his fingers through my hair, offering me a sad kind of smile.

“If it is anyone’s fault, it is mine.” Erwin continued. “I did not tell Jean or any other soldier besides the people you’ve already met that you feel that protective urge. If Shawn and Jean had known that, they wouldn’t have put you in that situation.” Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing at the floor.

I reached a hand out and tugged on his sleeve. He stopped pinching the bridge of his nose and looked down at me. I wanted to apologize-- I remembered the words! I opened my mouth, throat clogging. Each breath in and out was shaky, seeing as I was trembling.

“I--,” The vowel was easy. Erwin’s gaze, encouraging and patient and hopeful, made me feel strong. “I--I s-sorry,” I managed, voice small, barely a whisper. Erwin, however, beamed at me as if I was the best person in the world.

“Nice job, kiddo.” Levi congratulated, gruff again. He passed me off to Erwin when he reached for me, and I clung to him, shaky with success.

“I am so proud of you.” He murmured into my hair. My insides glowed, and the grey feeling disappeared. That night, I stayed with Erwin instead of my own room, and the fact that he was proud of me was enough to chase most of my nightmares away. The one time I did wake up, trembling and trying to mask the fact that I was breathing in tight little gasps, Erwin tucked me in closer until I wasn’t shaking anymore.

OoOoOoO

The next day, I found Jean and the other boy, Shawn, at breakfast. I nearly chickened out, especially when Shawn yelped in fear when I tugged on his jacket, but Erwin gave me a thumb’s up from across the room. His encouragement was all I needed to stammer out my apology in a whisper, over and over, until Jean put a hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay. We didn’t know, and you weren’t expecting it. No hard feelings. Right, Shawn?” He said kindly, giving his friend a pointed kind of look. I bit my lip, looking to Shawn.

“Uh, yeah. I just didn’t think you could throw that hard,” Shawn said, laughing uncertainly. He caught the gaze of Levi, who was glaring at him with enough force to probably make his insides feel shaky. “You don’t have to be sorry!” He tacked on hastily, patting my back gingerly. He was still kind of nervous, but I didn’t feel too bad about that-- even Levi still made me kind of nervous, and he was actually super nice.

“Jean, who’s your friend?” A cadet with brown hair and a healthy appetite leaned around Shawn, giving me a big smile.

“Hey, cutie! Remember me?” Conny called from across the table, winking at me.

“She’s so  _ adorable _ ! Hi, I’m Christa. It’s nice to meet you!” A blond girl, the smallest person I'd seen besides me, said cheerfully, waving.

I blinked at them, but waved shyly back, surprised at their kindness. When someone picked me up from behind, I let out a yelp in fear, ready to be hit. Instead of violence, I found myself in familiar hands. It was Eren, who put me back on his shoulders, a leg on either side of his head. He craned his head up to grin at me. “Morning, sunshine! I heard you had kind of a rough day yesterday. Feeling better?” He asked me, blue-green eyes sparkling. I bit my lip but nodded. “You’ve met Conny, right? That’s Sasha…” He proceeded to point them all out to me, until I could feel myself starting to blush as they all waved and smiled and said nice things to me. I eventually plopped my face into Eren’s hair to hide it, and the crowd of nice cadets at the table made funny ‘aww’ noises. I didn’t know what it meant, so I hid until my face didn’t feel so hot. Besides, Eren’s hair was kind of fluffy.

“And these are two more of my friends. This is Armin, and this is Mikasa.” Eren said, turning around and pointing them out. Armin was barely taller than Christa, but was also short and blonde. His smile was shy but sweet. Mikasa reminded me of Levi, gruff, but she sent me a smile too.

“Come eat breakfast with us, cutie!” Conny called.

I glanced at Erwin and Levi for permission, and Erwin offered me another thumb’s up and a warm kind of smile, so I nodded, smiling shyly to Conny. Eren sat down on the bench (Shawn and Jean moved to make room) and lifted me off of his shoulders and onto his lap.

“Do you want some of my toast?” Sasha offered, smile gentle, and she offered me a square of it. Someone said something too fast and low for me to hear, but everyone at the table started laughing, not at me, but just laughing. It was beautiful, and happy; I could listen to it forever.

OoOoOoO

The days blended into one another. For a while, I tried really hard to be brave; I’d stay in my room after a nightmare, by myself. I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep so I’d be pale and kind of shaky the next day. I even fell asleep at lunch. Erwin had made me see Petra, convinced that I was sick.

Eventually, Levi caught on to what I was doing and told me not to be stubborn, and he told me not to knock. After that, on the bad nights, I would go next door, quietly come into his room, and burrow under the blanket next to him. Sometimes he’d wake up (usually if I forgot to put on my own socks to cover my cold feet), but sometimes he’d just put an arm around me and sleep on.

Petra tailored my trousers, blouse, and jacket until they fit just right. I kind of missed the longer sleeves, but everyone had seemed much happier at lunch when I came in with a me-sized uniform. She’d even found boots that fit me, and I was fascinated with the sound of my own footsteps with them on.

Jean and I got on the horse a lot. He taught me all about the saddle, and how to put my feet in the stirrups. I graduated from being walked around on the horse to having Jean ride along behind me. I’d get to hold the reins with him. I had a favorite horse-- Chalet. It always tried to eat Jean’s hair, but never mine.

Conny’s favorite game was to make me laugh. He’d make faces if he passed by when I was on the horse, or if he walked by where Erwin was teaching me to read in the grass. At mealtimes, he’d tease and tease until I couldn’t hold back my giggles anymore. His favorite joke was to get behind Jean and make a very loud ‘neigh’, which made Jean scowl and flush.

OoOoOoO

Eren and I would lift rocks together.

Sometimes we saw how long we could hold just one, or how many times we could pick up the same rock. He used to be able to beat me at everything but just picking up the biggest one. At first, I’d been scared that failure meant punishment, but Eren said that it was okay.

I was getting stronger, until one time, when Levi came to check in on us, sitting in the grass, I walked over and picked him up. When Eren had gotten over his surprise, he’d laughed and laughed, Levi scowling and turning pink. The next time Levi came to check on us, I tugged on Eren’s leg until he sat in the grass, unsure of what I wanted. I then managed to pick him up too, wrangling a rare, loud laugh out of Levi as I ran around in circles, showing cadets walking by what I could do.

I remembered the first time I saw a mirror. Petra used to help me take bubble baths, but now that I was big and strong I could do them on my own, with Petra waiting outside. It was one of these times when, curious, I opened a different cabinet for a towel. Inside the door was a mirror, and I gasped, freezing to the spot. My hair wasn’t as blond as Erwin’s, but it was yellow, and short and fluffy. There was a bit of red in it, and my first thought was  _ blood _ , but I touched it and it wasn’t. There were little brown spots on my face, like my skin was still dirty, but when I rubbed them they didn’t come off. Freckles. My eyes were brown and blue and green and big.

“Honey? You okay in here?” Petra stuck her head around the door. “What’s the matter?” She asked, coming over to where I was staring. She crouched to see what I was looking at, and caught my gaze in the mirror. “Oh, you’ve never seen a mirror?” She asked, giving the sad smile that people gave me sometimes when I asked questions. “They’re kind of cool, aren't they?” She commented, and then kissed my cheek, getting to her feet. “Come on; it’s almost time for dinner.”


	7. Chapter 7

I met a person named Hanji. They talked a lot, but I didn’t talk much at all so their company was kind of nice. They told me about a whole bunch of things: how they weren’t quite a boy or a girl, about different kinds of colors, about clouds, about science. Hanji was nice.

Hanji had pencils in different colors. I’d answered a few of their questions as best I could about the bad experiments, but then they wanted to work on a different project. I watched them work for a long time, surprised that there was a kind of experiment that wasn’t a bad kind. Then, Hanji brought out the pencils, and some scrap pieces of paper.

They showed me what doodling was, and talked the whole time about coloring and drawing and lots of other fun stuff. Their drawings were much neater than mine, like diagrams in a book, but they’d seemed very proud of my drawing. Mine was of all of us; Erwin, Levi, Eren, Hanji, Petra, and me. Erwin had big eyebrows, Levi had a scowly face, Eren’s face was mostly big blue/green eyes, Hanji had a clipboard for their experiments, and Petra had the red medicine box. I drew a lot of clouds too because I liked clouds, and Hanji had told me so much about them. “You should show that to Erwin. It’s lunch time, right? Let’s go,” they’d said, grinning. They took my hand, and they walked me to the mess hall. “Erwin! She’s got something really cool to show you. Right?” Hanji prompted me.

I was suddenly shy. What if Erwin didn’t like it? Mine wasn’t nearly as pretty as Hanji’s. But Erwin smiled so encouragingly, and Hanji gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. Smiling shyly, my face starting to get hot, I passed over the drawing. Erwin unfolded it and stared at it for a long time, expression happy and sad and touched, but I still wasn’t sure if he liked it or not; he wasn’t saying anything. Hanji was grinning even wider though, so maybe it was okay?

“The reports from the budget committee are in, and new recruit dossiers are done.” Levi sat next to him with his lunch, expression as flat as usual. “What are you--?” He peeked at what Erwin was looking at, eyes widening in surprise as he looked at my drawing.

“Can I keep this? I love it.” Erwin told me, and I blinked, confused. What was love? “That means I really, really like it.” He added, and that made me really, really happy, so I nodded, face getting a little hotter.

“You should frame it,” Levi said with that odd, gruff voice again, returning his attention to his lunch. Hanji’s smile somehow got wider yet, and they knelt down to whisper in my ear:

“You should draw one for Levi too. He looks like he needs one.”

I nodded very seriously at their advice, and Hanji ruffled my hair before going to get some food. I boosted myself up onto the bench without any help, already planning what my next drawing would be.

When I later gave Levi a drawing, a rendition of picking Eren up to make Levi laugh, Hanji broke into giggles. Erwin had just sent me the proud expression. Eren asked for a drawing too, which I promised I’d do. Levi, for the record, stared at his picture for almost twice as long as Erwin before giving me a hug and thanking me for it.

Both Levi and Erwin got little frames for my pictures, and Eren kept my drawing for him (me and him looking at clouds) on his nightstand.

OoOoOoO

I still didn’t talk much. It was hard, and I was so used to having to be quiet that I didn’t really have anything to say that I couldn’t do with my expression alone. If anything, I apologized, or said names. I was getting better at inflection too, and at speaking louder. When Armin leant me his cape and I ran around in circles in the grass, letting it billow behind me like a cloud, I asked Mikasa to join me, begging, “ _ Mikasaaaaa,”  _ until she sighed, got up, and did the same.

One time, Petra gave me a dress. She told me that she’d written to her parents and they’d sent one of hers, from when she was little like me. It was blue, with little bits of white lace around the hem. At first, I didn’t like it; it reminded me of my shift from the bad place, and I missed my uniform. However, when she and I walked in for dinner, hand in hand, the room filled with that ‘awww’ noise again. Everyone else seemed super happy, so I just willed my red face to stop being so hot.

OoOoOoO

I lost a tooth. It scared me a lot. It had felt weird for a few days, and I’d wiggled it at night, trying to decide if I wanted to tell anyone about it or not (Petra would probably give me medicine, which I still didn’t trust). It wasn’t until halfway through I was reading in the grass, trying to get through the book Erwin had given me so that he’d be proud, when I absentmindedly reached up and wiggled it again. When the tooth came out, into my hand, I panicked. Leaving my book in the grass, I scrambled to my feet and almost sprinted across the courtyard, where Levi was lecturing a group of cadets. I never interrupted him, not ever, but this was an emergency. I tugged on his sleeve, urgent, until he looked down. “What’s the matter?” He asked instantly, seeing that my eyes were watery, my face anxious. He crouched, looking me up and down for blood or injury.

Trembling, I lifted my hand and opened it, revealing the tooth. Levi blinked once, twice, before heaving a relieved sigh. “It’s okay that you lost a tooth,” he told me. “Everyone loses all their teeth, and new ones grow back in.” When I just looked at the tooth, disbelieving, he added, “Can I see?”

I hesitated, and then opened my mouth. It was one of the ones in front- it was instantly obvious that it was gone. Levi let out a little huff of laughter, and ruffled my hair. “Go show Erwin; he’ll want to see it.” He said, sounding unmistakably proud.

OoOoOoO

Petra wasn’t happy.

After breakfast, instead of lifting rocks with Eren, he and Levi sat me down and showed me the clunky gear they wore around their hips sometimes. They explained what it did, that it made them fly through the air. It sounded scary, but it also sounded really fun. I liked riding horses with Jean (I’d gotten good enough to ride by myself), but I wanted more. I watched Levi give a demonstration, just using it to get onto a roof, but it set my imagination on fire. Maybe I could touch a cloud? Or race Eren around the courtyard? Or finally be taller than anyone else? It was exciting.

Levi and Eren made me memorize all of the pieces first, and what each one did. That involved a lot of talking, which made me hesitate, but I wanted to learn; I wanted to fly. If I had to speak to do that, I would. Petra would walk by, frowning, as I named each piece Levi pointed to, hesitant to speak but eager to please. I listened with rapt attention as Levi lectured me on how dangerous 3dm were, and how hard they were to use. I might not be able to use it at all. I might not be good at it. I may hurt myself, even on accident.

Petra was in the background, frowning, as Eren helped me step into a harness, made just for me. I had to go through all the buckles without help, and then undo them and redo them again, until Levi was satisfied that I knew what I was doing. Then, he hooked me into the balance thingy. Eren had shown me what it did, and explained, while hanging in midair, that I’d need to do the same thing- stay upright. Petra only looked more concerned, more angry, when, after a moment of waving my arms, unsure of the feeling of being suspended, my body suddenly just relaxed. It was kind of like when I protected people, but it didn’t completely make me zone out. Eren beamed with pride at me for getting it right away, and laughed when I flipped around and around, giggling, only to re-right myself.

That night, Petra yelled.

I’d never heard her yell before. For such a sweet person, she could be terrifying when she raised her voice. “She’s just a child! For Maria’s sake, she’s not even six years old, and you want to give her 3dm?”

“Petra,” Erwin sounded kind of sad, but Petra kept right on going.

“What’s next? Titan-killing blades? Running drills? She’s a  _ child _ , Erwin!” Petra yelled, pointing to where I was hiding behind Levi’s leg. “All she’s ever known is violence, this is wrong!”

“Doing this might help her understand how to control her reflexes. We can’t do nothing.” Levi pointed out, a gentle hand cupping the back of my head.

“You’re going to let that innocent little girl try and kill titans. What are you going to do when you take her out beyond the wall and she  _ dies _ ?” Petra sobbed the last word.

“Petra, get a hold of yourself.” Levi snapped, but his hand on my head had tightened a bit, drawing me in closer.

“What are you going to do on the next expedition? Who is she going to stay with? What will we tell her if people she knows are killed? You can’t do that to a child!” Petra yelled, angry again, but her eyes sparkled with tears.

“Petra.” Erwin said, voice full of authority. It made Petra pause. “You must know that I’ve thought about all of these things.”

“And?” Petra challenged. “What are you going to do?”

Erwin didn’t answer.

OoOoOoO

“Is dis okay?” I managed to make myself say a complete sentence towards the end of my 3dm lesson the next day. My giddy excitement at learning how to fly had faded a bit when I realized that no one was truly happy about it. I didn’t understand why.

Eren blinked, surprised at my quiet, but full question. He glanced at Levi, whose expression had gone completely blank. I knew enough to know it meant he was hiding something. “What do you mean, kiddo?” Eren asked. I tugged on the belts I’d memorized for emphasis, looking at him for an answer.

“Listen to me.” Levi knelt in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders to get my attention. “Eren, Petra, Erwin-- everyone here uses 3dm to kill things. Titans are big monsters that eat people, and we kill titans.” He said bluntly.

I stared at him, horrified, as he continued.

“In a month we are going to fight the titans, and we don’t know if you can come with.” He gripped my shoulders tighter. “If you did come with, you could die. We want to protect you.”

“Levi, sir,” Eren protested, watching as my eyes pricked with tears.

I didn’t know what to do. Dying was scary, and giant monsters sounded terrifying, but the thought of being alone, my new family leaving to possibly die, was worse. I wanted to go with, but what if I saw them get hurt, saw them die?

“I don’t know if this is bad or not.” Levi answered finally, standing up and turning away. His expression was tight, like all of his emotions were trying to break through. “Regardless, you deserve to be able to fight on your own terms. Then you can decide if it’s right or not.”

“Hey, sunshine, it’s okay. Really.” Eren said, taking his place when a tear boiled over, then two. “We didn’t mean to scare you; we just wanted to be honest.” He swiped the tears away, but his expression was tight too, his eyes blazing. They were both very upset, and there was nothing I could do. “Try not to think about it for now, okay?” Eren asked me, and I blinked at him, unsure on what he meant.

The next day, they introduced me to the blades. Mine were much smaller than Levi’s, but they were just as sharp. He showed me how they connected to the gas trigger controls, and made me practice switching until I could do it without thinking.

I practiced lining up targets with my 3dm and dull blades, for safety, and I found it oddly freeing. Even though Erwin, Petra, and all of the other cadets watched with somber, even angry expressions, I couldn’t deny that I felt free. The sky was endless, and I was in control.

When Levi gave me the sharp blades and stern instructions on being careful, I looked at them for a minute or two, and then at the targets, trying to decide if it was right or not. Like Levi, I had no idea if it was okay, but I knew that I wanted to try. If this would let me protect them all from the monsters, I was going to learn how.

I hit every target perfectly the first time, the blades slicing into the soft, fleshy targets with a destructive power that stunned me. I was quick because I was small- even when the targets were turned at the last moment to try and throw me off, I pulled a flip or a twist or braked hard to drop almost completely out of the sky before blasting around the target.

At the end of the course, I resheathed the blades, wormed my way out of the harness, and plopped down onto the ground a few feet away, legs too shaky to hold me up. I had the power to kill now- I could end life so easily that it made each breath catch a little bit in my chest. I knew that I was strong enough to break bones, and stone, but I’d never cut into flesh with such precision before. I’d never realized that I was capable of killing.

I was drowning in grey before I realized it. It wasn’t normal that I was this good at killing things- even if someone had done it to me without asking me, it didn’t change the fact that I could still do it. That I had nearly done it. That if the circumstances were right, I’d do it without realization or hesitation. Tears smarted at my eyes, and, just for a moment, I felt like I was being reconditioned- this  _ hurt. _

“That’s enough.” Petra told Levi icily before picking me up and carrying me away. “You’re okay, honey,” she told me quietly as we walked through the grass, past the cadets that had come to watch. I buried my face in her shoulder, and tried not to cry.

Petra made me hot chocolate in the kitchen, seeing as I’d never had it before. It was delicious, and warm, and it helped. I didn’t feel as grey as we sat together, cuddling in her windowsill. “I don’t want you to feel like you don’t know what to do because Levi, Erwin, and I don’t agree on the 3dm.” She said after a while, and I looked at her. “Levi and Erwin want you to be safe with your protective urge. They want you to be ready if you do ever see a titan.” She added, frowning into her hot chocolate.

“Eren and I feel differently. You shouldn’t have to see a titan until you’re older; it’s not fair to have to teach you how to fight with 3dm.” She sighed, and then ruffled my hair. “It’s like what Levi said- we don’t have an answer to tell you. No one is right or wrong. You just need to do what feels right.”

“I...pick?” I made myself ask, not understanding. “Me?”

“Yes. It’s your choice.” Petra said, smile sad. When I only stared at her, panicked, she kissed my forehead. “It’s okay if you don’t know yet either, or if making a decision scares you. We’re here to help you.”


	8. Chapter 8

_ “Yes. It’s your choice.” Petra said, smile sad. When I only stared at her, panicked, she kissed my forehead. “It’s okay if you don’t know yet either, or if making a decision scares you. We’re here to help you.”  _

I had a short lesson on titans. Armin showed me, unusually somber as he talked about the different types of titans, the weak spot on the back of the neck, and that yes, they ate people. It was a scary lesson, but Armin was gentle.

I practiced transitioning back and forth from horseback riding to 3dm with Mikasa of all people. She was as quiet as me, and I could tell that she agreed with Petra and Eren. However, she was really good with the 3dm, and was really patient. Jean and Levi supervised, occasionally offering advice. The rest of the time, they just watched silently, expressions troubled.

After breakfast the next morning, Erwin led me to the big classroom Armin and I had talked about titans in. All the desks were full of cadets, who all seemed tense and sad. The atmosphere instantly made me cringe. Conny winked at me, but he didn’t seem happy. Eren waved from the front left, but he didn’t seem happy either.

“I’ve called us all in here because we have something very important to talk about.” Erwin began. He talked about the expedition, about how dangerous it was. He then looked down at me, expression starting to turn grey. “I am leaving the decision on coming with up to her.” He said, and the room filled with whispers. “Before you decide, I am giving everyone you’ve met and grown to trust a chance to give you advice. I hope that it will help you.” Erwin said, crouching in front of me.

I watched him with wide eyes, unsure, as he stood back up again. He directed first the right side of the room to speak. One at a time, all the cadets I’d come to call my family told me what they thought, told me stories that were either good or bad. They were earnest, angry, sad. I drank in every word, nervously twisting the hem of my jacket.

Halfway through Ymir’s advice to me, the door on my left opened, and an older man stepped through. His mustache looked like a caterpillar, but his eyes and expression were hard. Two soldiers were behind him.

“Sir!” Erwin did the salute, and the room hastily stood up to join him. Erwin looked, for the briefest moment, frightened, and that scared me a lot. Nothing scared Erwin,  _ nothing. _

“I just received word that you’ve taken an experimental child into the Survey Corps.” The old man said, and I hid behind Erwin’s leg, wishing I could disappear. “You’ve done so without authorization or thought to military law.” He sounded angry.

“I vouch for Commander Smith!” Eren said fiercely, hastily.

“I do as well.” Levi pledged, and the room rumbled briefly as all the cadets voiced their support. The old man raised an eyebrow at the passion of the crowd.

“Let’s speak outside. Bring her with.” The older man said, turning and heading back to the door. Erwin took my hand without looking at me, grip tight. My mind spun as we walked into the empty hallway. Did I get Erwin in trouble? Would I have to go forever? Would the old man hurt Erwin? Erwin seemed to respect him, but if he tried to hurt Erwin I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. My heart thumped frantically as the old man stopped.

“Why did you not turn her over to a shelter?” The old man asked, crossing his arms.

“She is a very special case. The experiments have made her abnormally strong, and have given her strong urges to protect those that she has imprinted on. The conditions in which we found her were deplorable, and she put herself at risk to allow us to escape.” Erwin sounded composed, but his grip on my hand was still tight. I stiffened- I’d helped him escape? Was that why I’d been reconditioned, why I didn’t remember him?

“Why did you not inform me of this? Of your intent to train her as a soldier?” The old man asked, voice rising. “Do you have any idea the uproar this has caused?”

“My apologies, General Pyxis, but it was never my intent to train her as a soldier. Due to her abilities and her age, I deemed it necessary to make her skills clear so that we would both have a better understanding of what had been done to her. Her attachment to this unit made 3dm training a logical choice.” Erwin answered, tone flat.

“I’ll consider your proposal if it is in writing and on my desk by Friday, including your plan for your scheduled expedition next month. Until then, she must come with me.” Pyxis said, tone final.

“Sir, please. She has become very close with us; she trusts us. Removing that environment will do nothing but hurt her.” Erwin said, tone suddenly intense.

“All she has ever known is forced experimentation and then military training with you, Smith. Have you considered the idea that she is a child, and that they would naturally become attached to their savior? She may enjoy a normal life, a chance to simply be a child. Until a decision is made, you will stand down.” Pyxis’ voice was at a normal volume, but his tone was terrifying.

A beat of silence passed.

Erwin crouched to be closer to my level, expression tinged with grey. “Hey, kiddo. This is my friend, General Pyxis. He’s interested in getting to know you.” Erwin said, voice happy but eyes sad. “He wants to spend a few days with you.”

I glanced between him and Pyxis, eyes wide. I knew enough to know that this wasn’t just a trip. Was I coming back? Erwin seemed to have to do whatever Pyxis said, like how Eren always listened to Levi, and Levi to Erwin. What if Pyxis said I couldn’t go back?

“Where are my manners?” Pyxis said, crouching also. “Hello there, little one.” he greeted, eyes sparkling with kindness. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. There’s no need to be scared. I only want to hear what you think, just you and me.” He said, his deep, raspy voice serious but kind, even though he’d been angry before.

_ What I thought. _ Petra and Erwin and everyone else wanted me to really understand before I told them what I thought about going on the titan trip. If all Pyxis wanted was to know what I thought, that couldn’t be bad, right?

“You have to go with him,” Erwin said gently when I wavered, unsure. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ve heard you like horses. Would you like to meet mine?” Pyxis asked, smiling. After a moment, I nodded. I didn’t really want to, but Erwin said I had to. I wasn’t about to let him down or get him in trouble.

Erwin hugged me close and tight, and I buried my face into his jacket, fingers clutching the fabric. “You be good now. Make sure you show General Pyxis how good you are at reading, okay?” Erwin suggested, and I nodded.

I let Pyxis take my hand, and I glanced behind me a few times as we walked away from Erwin. He stared after us for a moment, expression grey, before he went back into the classroom. Pyxis’ hand was warm and wrinkly, and he smelled like tobacco and something spicy. “So,” he said as we walked along. “You like horses. Have you ridden a horse before?”

He made easy conversation as we rode away in a carriage. He let me stop and pet the horses, lifting me up to reach. After that, he took me to a room lined with chairs. A lot of other old men were waiting. They asked me a lot of questions.

Did I know the salute? How often did I do the salute, and who taught it to me?

Did I like Commander Erwin? Captain Levi? How many cadets did I know? Did I like Eren Jaeger, and did I know about his superpower?

Did I like 3dm and running drills? What drills had I run before?

What kind of books had Erwin and Armin given me?

What did I remember about the old tests, the bad ones?

Did I remember how I’d gotten there, or how long I’d been there for?

Was I aware of what they’d done? Did I like it? Dislike it?

Had I gotten hurt since being with the Scouts, and how quickly had it healed?

Did I remember something other than the bad place or the Scouts? Did I want to do that instead?

By the time they were done, I was white faced. I had to talk a lot to answer their questions, and I didn’t like thinking about what they were asking. I was only thankful that they knew that my name was the bad word, because they didn’t ask me what my name was.

A lady with a pitying smile took me to a room for a bath. They took away my uniform and gave me a nightgown that reminded me so much of my shift that I almost took it off. They locked my door at night, and I cried silently under the blanket for a long time, afraid but too scared to tell anyone. I didn’t trust them.

The days blended into one another. The old men asked me to ride, to lift weights. They asked me to use a rifle, but I didn’t know what it was, so they didn’t make me do that. I ran a short drill on titan targets, perfect the first time- lethal. They talked a lot about that. No matter what I did every day, at night, before bed, Pyxis would come to read with me. His voice was soothing and low as he read to me, stories and tales. I liked the night- it helped me not worry so much about the days, or what Pyxis would eventually decide.

I was asked after a few days if I liked Erwin and the Scouts again, and I nodded vehemently. I didn’t have the words to tell them how much I wanted to see them again. I didn’t like the questions, and the old men, and the dresses I had to wear, and the woman with the pity in her smile. I didn’t like the other kids they introduced me to. They talked too much, and when I never said anything back, they got bored and left me alone.

Finally, after what felt like years, Pyxis saw me in his office- no old men, just him and I. “As I am sure you understand, this is a very hard situation for all of us.” He began. “Most girls your age are playing with dolls, not training to get rid of monsters.” He gave me a gentle smile. I didn’t smile back. “I wasn’t completely aware of the situation when I first heard that Erwin had taken you in. It seems as if he was right about asking you for your opinion.”

He looked at me expectantly- what did I want? He was waiting for me to say.

“I--I--Erwin.” I managed. “ _ Pwease _ .”

“I’m sorry that I made you feel so scared, and that it’s been so long since you saw the Scouts.” Pyxis said, sounding truly sorry. “I am in charge of Erwin like he is in charge of you. I had to make sure that you were safe. Do you understand?”

I nodded because I did. There were different types of caring- like Eren, when he insisted that I eat green beans because they were good for me, or Petra giving me good medicine, even if I hated it. Pyxis wasn’t bad, he just did things that were good but seemed bad.

“Alright then. Let’s send you back, hmm?” Pyxis said. When he got up from his desk, I hugged his legs, blinking up at him when he chuckled. “I suddenly sympathize with Erwin- I am smitten.” He crouched down in front of me, smile warm. “Could I come and see you again, little one?” He asked, touching the tip of my nose with his finger.

I nodded, smiling shyly. Pyxis and I took another carriage ride, and then we’d stopped. Pyxis got out first, and I heard him say, “Sorry for all the trouble, Erwin.” Pyxis stood straight and tall, all very serious.

“We can talk in my office.” Erwin sounded tense, and sad. Pyxis let out a chuckle.

“There’s nothing to be said.” He said, and stepped aside. Erwin looked at me, his miserable expression falling away, eyes widening in surprise. He then opened his arms wide, smiling. I launched myself out of the carriage and into his arms, laughing out loud when he spun me around. “Send me regular updates, and the rest is up to you. I’ll send you the details of the council’s decision by courier.” Pyxis rumbled, amused.

“Thank you, General.” Erwin sounded very, very grateful as he sat me on his hip.

“The decision came down to the young lady,” Pyxis answered, touching my nose again, making me smile shyly. “I’ll see you again sometime.” He told me, offering me a wide grin of his own.

I waved goodbye with Erwin as Pyxis got back in his carriage and rode away. “Welcome. Back.” Erwin punctuated each word with a kiss to my forehead, smiling broadly. “You’re okay, right?” He asked me, and I nodded. He started to walk us back inside.

I leaned up, cupped my hands around my mouth, and whispered into his ear, “I missed you.” It took effort to form a whole sentence, to say how I felt. The proud, touched kind of look Erwin gave me in return made the effort worth it.

“You did?” Erwin asked, beaming at me. “I missed you too. Everyone did.” He got the door, walking inside. “In fact, no one knew Pyxis was bringing you back today. Should we surprise them?” He asked, dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. I nodded solemnly, and he smiled, in happiness, in wonder, in relief that I was back.

He walked us along the hallway to the mess hall, where, from the sounds within, I could tell that everyone was eating dinner. Sending me one last happy smile, he opened the door and stepped inside. We’d made it past the first two tables before a cadet gasped loudly, dropping something and pointing.

Soon after, it was pandemonium. Cadets crowded around us, waving and smiling and laughing. I got passed from person to person, Eren, Armin, Conny, Jean. My face hurt from smiling by the time we settled down, and I’d gotten so many kisses and hugs and ruffles to my hair that I was blushing hot.

“Oh! But someone doesn’t know the good news yet!” Sasha said, grinning up at where I was sitting on her shoulder. “Captain Levi took dinner in his office.”

“Well, we should remedy that right away.” Erwin said very seriously. Sasha set me down, and Erwin took my hand. The cadets followed silently, occasionally giggling and shushing one another. We stopped a corner away, and Erwin motioned me on with a thumbs up. I walked down the hallway alone, my feet in the little flats Pyxis had given me hardly making a sound.

I knocked on the door, and Levi sounded tired when he invited me to come in. I stretched up to get the door handle, and then peeked around the door. Levi had his face in his hands by his desk, and his body looked tired. “If it’s more paperwork, Hanji, just leave it.” Levi grumbled into his hands. I inched around the door, stepped inside, and tugged on the hem of his jacket.

Levi parted his hands, pushing his hair back from his face, and looked up to tell Hanji off. He then looked down upon not finding her, and his gaze landed on me. “Hi.” I managed the greeting, blinking up at him.

I let out a squeak of surprise as Levi snatched me up and hugged me tight, burying his face briefly into my shoulder. I thought I felt something wet on the fabric, but when Levi sat me on his desk to inspect me, I didn’t see any tears. “I’m glad you’re back, kiddo.” He told me, ruffling my hair.

I told him the same secret that I told Erwin, and I found the source of the wetness- his eyes just briefly looked damp before he gave me another hug. “Me too, kiddo. I didn’t miss you ice cold feet, though.” He said, only kidding, seeing as he smiled when he said it. “Let me guess-- I’m the last to know, right?” He said, and I nodded.

“Erwin,” He called, voice as flat as always as he got up, slinging me over his shoulder, making me giggle. He left his office, walking down the hallway. “We’ve got a problem. I just found this little mouse in my office.” He said, rounding the corner. I giggled some more when the other cadets started to too.

“I’ll look into it. Until then, we should keep this one. All in favor?” I heard Erwin ask, and the cadets called out their approval.

“Well, there you have it, little mouse. You’re here to stay.” Levi said, sitting me up on his shoulder instead, voice gruff.

That night, I didn’t even try sleeping by myself. I padded to Levi’s room, no socks, and let myself in. He was pulling his pajama shirt on over his head, and he sent me a smile, the expression disappearing as he took in my bare feet. “Socks,” he ordered, pointing for me to go and get a pair.

I blinked at him, trying not to beg. I really liked Levi’s socks better than mine. They were big and warm and comfy. He must have seen something in my expression, because he muttered something I couldn’t hear and dug a pair out of his dresser. “Come here, little mouse.” He said, picking me up and sitting me on the edge of the bed. He pulled the socks up onto my cold feet, wincing at the temperature.

He rubbed the socks to warm up my feet inside before opening up the covers. I curled up against his side, using his ribs as a pillow. He wrapped his arm around me and ran his fingers through my hair, soothing and gentle.

We both slept soundly until dawn.


	9. Chapter 9

“I--I want to go.” I made sure to form each word, slowly and carefully, at a volume that normally made me cringe. I was sitting on Erwin’s bed, reading as he went through paperwork. Erwin looked visibly startled at the sound of my voice, looking up from the work. 

“Go? Go where, to see Eren? Levi?” He asked when I shook my head each time.

“Go to expidhishun.” I said, butchering the word, but Erwin understood. “Pwease?” I asked when he wavered, expression troubled.

“Alright,” Erwin sighed, looking grey. “I’ll talk to Levi tonight. Tomorrow we’ll tell you all about it, okay?”

“Mmkay.” I agreed, and he gave me a sad smile. After he finished his work, I slowly and carefully tried to read him a story about a mouse. Levi and Erwin skipped dinner, and so I sat with Eren and the other cadets, listening to stories about a cat they found in the barn.

Regardless of the lighthearted story and the brightened mood of the cadets, I could tell that Eren had an inkling of why Levi and Erwin weren’t at dinner, but he didn’t ask. I remembered halfway through that the old men had told me that Eren had a superpower, and I wondered what a superpower was for the rest of the meal.

The mood was somber as Eren gave me a ride on his shoulders into Erwin’s office. His desk was full of big sheets of paper with neat little pictures on it. “Hi, little mouse. How was dinner?” Levi asked, shoving a piece of paper aside, looking up at me. I shrugged- it had been okay.

“Eren, she has asked to join the expedition. The purpose of tonight’s discussion is to help her understand what we’ll be doing.” Erwin told Eren, and he stiffened underneath me.

“General Pyxis allowed for this?” Eren asked, angry and in disbelief.

“He is allowing it because she is a special case. The other members of the council were insistent that we further explore her abilities.” Erwin replied. “The expedition is the best option on the table for appeasing everyone.”

“You’re sure? Really positive? It’s going to be scary out there. People are going to get hurt.” Eren told me, lifting me off his shoulders and putting me on his hip so that he could make eye contact.

I nodded without hesitation- I wanted to protect them, and I didn’t want to wait and wonder who was going to come back. Eren looked distressed by my answer, but gave in. We spent the rest of the night looking over the pictures. Erwin explained very seriously where I’d be riding and what I was expected to do. I needed to keep up, and follow instructions as best as I could.

If I went on a protective streak, it wasn’t my fault. The others were to get out of my way and were not allowed to interfere. As soon as I could control myself again, I was to get back into my spot in the formation. I wasn’t supposed to take any risks, and if I had any doubts, I was supposed to just stay beside an officer.

I was nervous, but the plan made me feel better. All I wanted was to do what felt right- and that was protecting the Scouts. I wanted to even when my mind and actions were my own, and that told me what I wanted more than anything.

I’d seen and experienced torture and gore and death. If it was a giant monster doing those bad things instead of a normal man, I could accept that too. Levi had told me that I was strong- and I’d make him proud.

OoOoOoO

The day of the expedition was quiet and edgy. I got my own cape. Levi made me triple check my 3dm and then cross check the gear of another soldier, and vice versa. I checked Reiner’s, who checked mine swiftly, expression masked. None of the cadets were happy that I was going-- I could see the worry in their faces, their movements.

In the line up, I was sandwiched between Levi and Petra, but behind Eren and the other officers. Jean had let me ride Chalet, and I pet his mane a bit to calm myself as all the horses lined up behind us.

All too soon, Erwin started the expedition. I rode smoothly with the others, my nervousness falling away to shock and awe as we rode outside of the big walls. The land outside wasn’t full of buildings and stone, but of grass, trees, and endless sky.

A series of flares went up around us as groups moved out to send us messages, and I wished them all safety.

When I saw the next flare go up close by, and I felt the ground vibrate, I felt my instinct take over in a snap. I jerked hard to the left with my reins, forcing Levi to move over and Petra to follow, worried about losing me. I aimed my spike over her head and took off in a blast of gas. The spike had hit the big monster’s shoulder, and I flipped over it, dodging it’s hand. I killed it within seconds, mounting off of it’s head for speed.

I braked in the air to slow myself down and landed onto the saddle on my feet, balanced. Another flare went up to the right, and I took off again.

We continued this way for a long time. Any time I saw a flare, I took care of it with precision and accuracy, Chalet following me. Big monsters, small monsters, scary ones that were smarter, all of them. I killed all of them. If they grabbed my line, I hit the gas and whirled around their hand, slicing it to pieces. If they managed to grab me, I cut through their hands, bones, skin. Their blood was hot, like Armin had said, but it vaporized off of me in little clouds.

We eventually went into a forest for the night, and it took me a while to snap out of the instinct. Every snapping twig triggered a reaction, every scout moving quickly with a telescope was a possible titan being reported. I was edgy, tense, and kept my blades drawn for a long time, even after everyone else had stowed theirs away.

By dinner, it was wearing off. Petra managed to coax me over to a food wagon for some rations, which I took blankly. Halfway through eating it, I realized that the influence had worn off. Petra hadn’t noticed yet- she was watching Erwin talk with Levi and Mike. They all looked on edge, but not sad. The cadets clustered around were subdued, but alive. A few were glancing at Petra and me, talking, but I was too far away to hear.

When I glanced at Erwin and Levi again, Levi was communicating silently with Petra, frowns and nods or shakes of his head. When I waved at him, he touched Erwin’s arm briefly before coming over to us, crouching in front of me. “How many fingers?” he asked, holding up three.

I mimed him curiously. He sighed, then ruffled my hair. “You okay, kiddo? Feeling alright?” He asked, and I nodded, reaching my arms up and around his neck, a silent request to be held. He picked me up on his hip, studied me closely, even though it was hard to hold me with all my 3dm on. “Are you tired?” He asked, and I shrugged. I was a little, but not more so than usual. I was more concerned that my memories of getting to the forest, of killing lots of monsters, were fuzzy.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. Are you scared? Hurt anywhere?” Petra asked, standing up and running her fingers through my hair. I shook my head, but then reached down to touch my lower back. My gear was heavy, and I could feel where it had been tugging at me all day.

Petra undid a few buckles and took a look. “Nothing- just normal bruising, and already it’s fading.” She told Levi. “You’re okay, kiddo, but you have to keep your gear on.” She told me, re-buckling everything. “Stay within sight, okay? And if someone gives you an order, please, follow it.” She added as Levi set me down- he had more work to do.

I moved between the groups of cadets, hugging each one and looking them over. A few had bruises, a cut, a scrape, but they were all okay. When they talked to me, saw that I was no longer ‘in the zone’ as Conny had put it, they seemed happier. They kept their voices to whispers, like they were telling secrets, but they asked me if I liked the forest, the birds, the sunshine. I had liked it- at least, I thought I had. The time from just after leaving the gate until that moment was a jumbled mix of violence and gore and determination. I knew that I’d killed titans, but I had no idea how many. I wasn’t even sure if anyone had died. Sasha offered to watch birds with me when we got back, and I agreed. Armin said that he’d show me books on all the plants and animals we’d seen, and that he’d tell me all about a magical place called ‘the ocean’.

Before bed, Petra helped me refill my gas canisters. Then, even though I hesitated, I had to take some of the gear off to sleep. Petra and some of the others were doing it, while the lookouts kept them on. It made me nervous to take my gear off- what if I needed to kill more titans? But Petra reassured me that it was okay, so I unclipped the blade sheaths and tanks, as well as the gas filter that sat at my lower back. I slept with Petra, cuddled against her, but when it was Petra’s turn to be a lookout, I got up with her.

Time on the expedition blurred. It seemed like we went really far; the only reason we went back was because we lacked enough supplies. I remember killing a lot, titan after titan, until my hands had welts and my arms trembled. Despite my best efforts, there was a wagon of corpses, about twelve good people, who didn’t make it.

When we went back through the city, however, people were cheering, and looked surprised and happy. I was tired, so I just kept my horse next to Petra’s. When we went back to HQ, she undid my gear, leaving it with Bertl, and just carried me inside. She gave me a bubble bath, and I remember a kiss on the forehead when she put me to bed.

I woke up thinking I’d been reconditioned; my memory was hazy. I crawled out of bed and went next door, looking for Levi, but he wasn’t there. I then wandered to Petra’s room, and then Erwin's office. I could hear voices beyond the door.

“--killed fifty four titans that we could directly confirm with a witness. We expect that the number is much higher, as she moved too fast for us to continuously track. She kept up with the formation, and wasn’t injured.” Erwin was saying.  _ Fifty four _ ? I wondered. That sounded like a lot. I didn’t know how many that was, but I knew that it was more than six.

“And this…”zone”?” Pyxis’ voice, sounding serious.

“A type of trance, a focus she can’t get out of for a while. She still follows orders, and showed no violence towards anyone.” Petra, sounding slightly sad.

“What will the council do with this kind of information?” Levi asked, tone cold.

“That remains to be seen. She is lethal, but leashed. We’ve already established that she is best suited to your care. However, the possible applications of her abilities are numerous.” Pyxis answered. “I will continue to support her staying with the Survey Corps unless I have reason to believe she no longer wants to.”

“Thank you, General.” Erwin sounded grateful. “She boosts morale, lowered our death toll by 75%, and is very important to us. We can’t imagine life without her.”

“Did the Military Police ever get a lead on Dwaja? On where she may have come from?” Petra asked.

“Captain Levi’s interrogation of his agents, Paul and Hans, helped significantly, but the issue is still buried in bureaucracy. Perhaps now that her skills have become recognized, they will investigate.” Pyxis replied.

I froze at the reminder of Paul and Hans. Bad memories tugged at my mind, of being kicked and throttled and punched. And who was Dwaja? The name sounded familiar, but in a bad way, like I’d been reconditioned a lot to forget it. The name made my temples throb unpleasantly.

“We have no way of knowing how long she was there. The trail might have gone cold, especially if she was already homeless.” Levi added.

I frowned at the floor. Did I want to know how long, or where I’d come from? The Scouts were my family now. Were they trying to get rid of me? Unable to eavesdrop any longer, I knocked on the door, cutting off whatever Petra was saying.

“Oh, good morning!” She said as she opened the door, finding me. “Did you sleep okay?” she asked, picking me up and bringing me inside. I yawned, still slightly asleep, holding Petra’s cape.

“Hello again, little one!” Pyxis touched the tip of my nose with his finger, smiling gently. “I’m glad I got to see you again.” He told me warmly. “Did you like the world outside of the wall?”

I nodded, unsure of if I wanted to say that I barely remembered it. I could recall lots of green, and fresh air, which had been nice. It’s not as if they could do anything about that anyway.

“I’m sure you did; it’s a very big world out there for such a tiny girl.” Pyxis said. “I’ll file your report, Erwin. Just be prepared for what comes next.” He added, taking a sip out of his little silver circle.

“We will be. Thank you, General.” Erwin said, and he and Levi saluted Pyxis on his way out the door. Petra just waved, considering she was still holding me, and I waved too.

I felt out of sorts somewhat for the rest of the day, and so I was glad when there wasn’t much to do. Levi and Eren were too busy to give me any training, and all the other cadets had the day off. I dozed in the warm grass of the courtyard with Christa, Ymir, and Jean, too tired to do much else. They were the same way, and I took turns using them as a pillow.

That night, I couldn’t sleep, even when I crawled in with Levi. I mulled over the name I’d heard, Dwaja, as Levi slept soundly behind me, tired from the day. Who was Dwaja, and why had I forgotten him? Petra had made it sound like he was from the bad place- did he have something to do with the experiments? With reconditioning? I thought about it until my mind hurt, the reconditioning kicking in. Levi, in his sleep, sensed the frantic pace of my breathing and pulled me in closer. Eventually, thanks to the warmth and safety of his bed, I drifted off.


	10. Chapter 10

_ Who was Dwaja, and why had I forgotten him? Petra had made it sound like he was from the bad place- did he have something to do with the experiments? With reconditioning? _

_ \-- _

“We have today off from work too, cutie!” Conny told me at breakfast, from where I was sitting on a stack of books to be at the same height as the table. He was across from me, and offered me a trademark wink. “Sasha told me you were going to go look for birds. Can I come with?”

_ Birds? _ I glanced at Sasha, confused.

“You know, birds. We said we would when we were on the expedition. Armin, you’re going to bring a guide book, right?” Sasha said, leaning down the table to catch Armin’s attention.

“Yes! I have books on common plants and animals, too. We can spend all day identifying them, just like you wanted.” Armin said, excited to show me. “Unless...you don’t want to?” He asked, noticing that I still looked confused.

I wanted to go bird watching? It sounded fun, but I couldn’t remember asking to go, or Sasha and Armin offering. I blinked a few times. Sasha had said that I’d asked on the expedition...but I didn’t remember the expedition. I suddenly realized that none of it stood out to me! The whole thing was a blur of 3dm gear and violence. What else had we talked about that I didn’t remember? What had I seen that I couldn’t remember-- did I watch someone die, and I couldn’t remember? What if I’d hurt someone on accident, and I couldn’t remember?  _ I couldn’t--! _

“Hey, it’s okay, cutie!” Conny said, sounding surprised when my eyes stung with tears. “We don’t have to go.”

“Hon, are you alright?” Sasha asked, and Jean, who was next to me, put an arm around me. I wasn’t one to cry easily-- I’d dropped rocks as heavy as I was on my foot during training and hadn’t cried, even when I had to go to Petra for medicine. Even when I was exhausted and cranky, I didn’t cry. Nightmares only made me shake now, and I worked hard not to shed even a single tear. The only time I’d cried, really cried, was when I’d nearly hurt Shawn.

“What’s wrong?” Mikasa asked, voice calm, as usual, but she too looked surprised by my tears. Eren was watching too, expression shocked.

“I don’t know! She just started crying. It’s okay, really. You don’t have to be sad.” Sasha said, sounding upset when I hiccuped a tiny sob, trying to stop. I was sad that I was crying, which only made me cry more.

“I’m getting Captain Levi.” Mikasa got up and left, footsteps walking across the mess hall.

“Oh, don’t cry, honey! It’s okay,” Christa said from further down the table, her face blurry as my eyes filled with tears. Fast footsteps approached from the direction Mikasa left in, and then I was lifted off my stack of books and held onto Levi’s hip. I pressed my face into his jacket, ashamed that I was crying but too sad and scared to stop. Besides, it was okay to cry, but only if Levi was there.

“It’s alright, little mouse,” Levi said in a low voice. “Which one of you did this?” He asked, tone icy. I could practically feel the force of his glare.

“Oh! I think I understand,” Armin said, sounding more upset than before. “We asked if she wanted to go bird watching today, something we planned to do on the expedition.”

“So?” Levi asked, his voice still frighteningly cold.

“I don’t think she can remember it, sir.” Armin replied, voice tinged with grey.

“What? No, that’s impossible! We talked about it every night!” Sasha sounded aghast. “Eren, didn’t you offer to show her constellations too?”

“Yeah, I did.” Eren got up, and came walking over. One of his warm hands pressed against my trembling back, rubbing it a bit. “Hey, kiddo. I know that you feel yucky, but you have to tell me. Do you remember talking about stars? About polaris and orion?” He asked, and after a moment, I hiccuped another sob, shaking my head frantically against Levi’s jacket. “Is that why you’re crying?” He asked, rubbing my back some more, and I nodded.

“Alright. It’s okay, little mouse. Let’s go for a walk.” Levi’s voice had changed- he understood now. He walked out of the mess hall, carrying me. I could tell without looking that we were heading for Erwin’s office. He didn’t knock.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, sounding shocked. “What happened?” He asked then, and I heard him stand hastily.

“She can’t remember parts of or all of the exhibition.” Levi’s voice was heavy.

“ _ What _ ?” Erwin asked, sounding dumbfounded.

“Blouse, Springer, Arlert, and Jaeger confirmed it. They made plans to do activities with her that she has no memory of.” Levi furthered his explanation.

“I sorry,” I sobbed, unsure if I was apologizing for crying, not being able to remember, or both.

“Shhh.” Levi soothed. “You don’t have to be sorry. The first time we met, and you beat those bad men, do you remember how many there were?” I shook my head no in response, holding his jacket tight.

“And when you accidentally reacted with Jean and Shawn, do you remember what you threw?” Erwin asked, and I shook my head faster, letting out a whimper. None of it- I remembered none of it when I was in the zone. I should have realized it sooner, but without prompting, I never would have. I had just thought that everything happened in a quick blur. Without someone telling me otherwise, I would have had no idea.

“Alright now. Here, Levi,” he invited, and Levi passed me off with some difficulty, as I was holding on tight. Erwin tucked me into one big arm, the other wiping my cheeks clear. “I know that you’re scared, and that you’re upset.” He told me, voice soft. “Just know that we will always protect you.”

“That’s right.” Levi said, giving me a firm nod. “You don’t have to worry about not being able to remember. We would never let you forget anything really important.”

I blinked at him, surprised at how familiar his words were; they made my head feel funny. They’d never let me forget. They would never let me be reconditioned. I could trust them. But could I really?

Why did that make me think of Dwaja? Who were they, and why had I thought that I could trust them? The conversation I’d heard made it seem like Dwaja was a bad person- he’d been the boss of Paul and Hans. Had he lied to me?

“Hey, kiddo. You still with us?” Levi’s voice, tone worried, brought me out of my daze. He had a hand on my forehead, feeling for a temperature. I was staring right through him, eyes wide.

“Dwaja?” I whimpered the word, it hurt to say it. Levi froze, and Erwin was suddenly holding me much tighter. My nose felt funny. I pressed my sleeve against it, stemming blood.

“Do you know who that person is, little mouse? Can you tell us?” Levi asked, tone suddenly very, very serious. I closed my eyes, trying my hardest to remember, even though it made my pulse thunder in my ears. It hurt, but I wanted to know, and so did Levi and Erwin. I had to do my best to tell them what I knew-- I didn’t trust anyone else to help.

_ “My name is Dwaja. What’s yours?” There was a man standing over me, where I was reading in the grass. He wasn’t very tall, but he was really muscly. His face was blurry, and when I tried to focus on it, my brain throbbed. _

_ “Jinora.” I set down my book, looked at him curiously. “What you doing, Mister?” _

_ “I’m looking for your father.” _

_ “Daddy!” I called, closing my book and leaving it in the grass. I pointed to Dwaja as Daddy appeared, his face fuzzy and indistinct. _

_ “Go back to your book, Jinora.” Daddy told me after greeting Dwaja with a pat to the shoulder. _

_ “Mmkay. Bye!” I told Dwaja, plopping back down to read. _

I found myself in Erwin’s arms, curled up tight, heart racing,panting in little gasps. My bloody nose was dripping off my chin and onto my legs, and my head was pounding, but I’d done it. I’d remembered something I’d been told to forget! “It’s alright. Don’t hurt yourself; it’s perfectly okay if you don’t know.” Erwin told me, upset that I was so out of sorts. “Don’t try anymore.” He told me, using his handkerchief to get the blood off of my face.

“Daddy,” I echoed, dazed. Erwin glanced at Levi, who sent him an equally unreadable look in return. I could faintly remember what ‘Daddy’ meant, but I wasn’t sure. I knew it was a name, and yet it wasn’t a name, like ‘Commander’ and ‘Captain’.

“Is that man your Daddy?” Levi asked, and looked surprised when I shook my head.

“He meet D-Daddy. Whas’ a Daddy?” I asked, voice stammering on such a long sentence, and Erwin wiped more blood out from under my nose, expression sad and grey.

“The man who made you, who loves you and takes care of you. A Mommy and a Daddy make children like you.” Erwin answered, and I blinked. The man who did all those things was Erwin himself. I tugged on his lapel, expression curious. “Me?” He asked, looking surprised, but still grey. “No, I’m not your Daddy.” He answered. I reached for Levi, who looked similarly sad and grey.

“I’m not your Dad, little mouse.” He said gruffly. “Neither of us know who that man is, remember?” He said when I looked at him skeptically.

“That’s enough for now. Petra should take a good look at you.” Erwin said, and I wrinkled my nose- that meant medicine. My head still hurt a bit and my nose was still bleeding, but I hated medicine, even though Petra was super nice about it. Erwin took another swipe at my nose, expression troubled.

Petra gave me a thorough examination, but said that I’d be just fine with a good night’s rest. She and Erwin told me, again, that it was best for me not to try and remember anything more- that getting hurt wouldn’t do anything to help me. I hated the feeling of realizing that I’d been reconditioned, that I’d forgotten something, so I nodded.

The mystery of Dwaja, however, stayed in my head as Levi put me to bed, not in my own room, but in his. I lay awake for a long time, staring into the dark room around us, trying to think and not think at the same time.


	11. Chapter 11

_ “Daddy?” I was standing, looking at him and the man, Dwaja. It was late; the two of them were illuminated by a single candle by the door, but their faces were blurry. I was sleepy. _

_ “Go back to sleep, Jinora.” Daddy’s voice was sharp, it woke me up a bit. “ _ **_Now_ ** _.” Daddy ordered, voice like steel. _

_ I didn’t want to go- he was scaring me, but I wanted to know why Daddy was being so mean. _

_ My legs moved without my permission, taking me back to my room. No matter how much I tried to stop, to turn back, I just kept walking. _

_ \-- _

_ “I won’t let you forget, okay? But this will make you not remember the bad stuff. Dwaja just wants to help.” Daddy was terrifying. His tone was nice but his words were mean. I couldn’t move, and that scared me. _

_ “Won’t you be a good girl for your Daddy?” Dwaja, reaching for my face, an odd thing in his hands. _

_ “N-no! Pwease! I don’t wanna!” I was trembling, tears bubbling up in my eyes. Dwaja put the thing on my head anyway, and I let out a sob. _

_ “Jinora!” Daddy snapped, and my mind split open. Every nerve, every breath, every moment that I could feel meant that I was feeling pain. I could hear Daddy saying my name, over and over, as I screamed, and screamed-- _

I woke up abruptly with a scream, flailing under someone’s arm. He let out a half asleep, half awake kind of grunt in surprise as I ejected myself from the bed, hitting a stand, and skittering across the floor into the corner.

Daddies were supposed to love you and take care of you. Why had my Daddy been so mean? Why had he made me forget, and what was the bad stuff?

There was a man in front of me, between me and the door. He reached a hand out, towards my head, and I shrunk back with a terrified sob. “ _ Nooo _ ,” I whimpered, begging. Who was he? Where was I?

“Little mouse. Come on, little mouse. It’s alright.” the man in front of me was saying, sounding shaken.

“Levi? What was that, I heard--!” a woman, entering fast, stopping abruptly. Her eyes widened when she looked at me. I stared back, even more terrified. How many of them were there? What did they want? Were they going to take me to be reconditioned?

“Get Erwin. Get him fast.” The man who’d called me ‘little mouse’ said sharply, and the woman left. “Come on, little mouse; don’t do this. Don’t leave me.” He had eyes that were grey, and very sharp, even when they were pleading. Why did he know me? He seemed familiar. I just stared at him, trying not to choke on my fear.

Fast footsteps, and then the woman was back with two other men, all of them in pajamas. The big, tall blond man wasn’t wearing a shirt, so I could see how strong he was. “Sunshine!” The other man, with hauntingly familiar eyes, cried out, looking at me. They all looked very upset. “No, it’s okay. Really. Look at me,” the boy begged. “It’s me, Eren.” he added when I brought my legs to my chest, trembling.

I looked away from him, curling into a ball. My head hurt, it hurt so badly. It made my stomach feel like it was rolling. When ‘Eren’ came to crouch next to ‘Levi’, I shrank back further, putting my  hand back on something hard.

I glanced over to see what it was. The glass was broken oddly, but it was a frame that held a drawing so familiar that my brain throbbed. Wincing, I held my temple, trying to hold my brain inside my head, but I refused to look away from the picture.

Someone had drawn the intimidating man in front of me. He was laughing. Why did that seem so familiar? I tried something I never had before; I chased down that niggling feeling in my head and caught it, letting out a cry when my head split open.

\--

I was Jinora. Daddy had started working with that man, Dwaja, and they’d reconditioned me, started the experiments. I’d scream myself hoarse and so Daddy stopped me screaming; just one little cut was all it had taken.

I’d fought back so much. Even after being reconditioned, I’d tried resisting until one time I was reconditioned to think that I was weak. I was so afraid, so I’d stopped fighting back. I’d just tried to get by with as little violence as possible.

I’d seen and heard so many other people die. The experiments would kill little boys and girls like me so quickly. Every time more came, I knew that none of them would survive. I’d cry for them, when I could remember that so many had been lost.

Then, Erwin and Eren had been captured. Paul had made the mistake. Eren had seen me, been kind to me as I fed him. He’d encouraged me to fight back, made me remember again that I was strong. I’d freed Erwin, and then I’d been reconditioned.

I’d killed so many titans. I hadn’t seen anyone die, like I was afraid of, but I had seen corpses. Levi and Petra were always careful for me to not see the wagon, with the wrapped bodies, but I’d seen the dead out in the field. It scared me, to be so good at killing, but if I could keep killing titans, maybe I’d see less bodies.

\--

Everything came back to me, and when the images and sensations finally stopped, my mind wasn’t throbbing anymore. It was sore, and I couldn’t really feel my arms and legs, but I could think without my brain hurting. Levi had moved forward, cradling me in his arm, and was dabbing blood off of my face with his sleeve. I could feel it from my ears, from my nose, and by my eyes.

Exhausted, I made myself open my eyes. Levi’s expression was so grey, so sad, that it made me whimper. I’d made him that way; it was my fault. “Levi,” I managed, and his eyes widened in surprise before he crumpled with relief, hugging me so tight I felt tiny.

“I’m right here, little mouse. It’s okay now; I promise.” He said, tone cracking in a few places. “Petra,” he requested, and when he unfolded his arms, I could see Petra crouched next to us, a red medicine box next to her. Erwin and Eren hovered behind her, expressions relieved but worried too.

“Hi, honey.” Petra said softly. She squeezed my hand before pressing her fingers to the inside of my wrist. “Do you know who I am? Who those two are?” she gestured back to Erwin and Eren.

“Petra, Eren, Erwin,” I named them all, and Petra offered me a worried kind of smile. I couldn’t help but think of my own name, Jinora.

“Good. Can you tell me if you hurt at all?” Petra asked, and I let out a little gasp. Every inch of me was sore, and shaky, but my brain didn’t hurt more when I’d thought of my name! The more I thought of it, the more hope bloomed inside of me instead of pain. “Honey? What’s wrong?” Petra asked, looking worried by the gasp, by how I stared past her, eyes wide.

“My name’s Jinora,” I told her shakily, voice full of wonder.

Levi’s arms tightened, and Eren actually gasped, but I didn’t feel any pain in saying my name.  _ I was free _ ! I could think about whatever I wanted, and it was okay!

“Jinora?” Petra repeated hesitantly, and I nodded. She read my expression carefully for signs of pain. When she didn’t find any, she grinned, eyes sparkling with a few tears.

“And--and orion had a belt. And--it was apple.” the words tumbled out of my mouth, shaky and quiet. “And--,” I reached out, towards Erwin, and he knelt instantly, letting me reach up and touch his chin. “Water.” I told him, and he sent me a smile that was shaky and grey and proud all in one.

“Jinora,” Erwin rumbled, plucking me out of Levi’s arms to hug me tight. “I am so proud of you.” He said into my hair, and my spirits soared. Erwin held me in his arms as Petra carefully got all of the blood off of my face and ears. Levi got one of his pajama shirts, and they got me out of my own pajamas, which were bloody. Petra checked my ears, and my eyes, but she didn’t find anything wrong.

I was weak. I couldn’t find it in me to sit up on my own, but they told me that was okay. Levi got out of his pajamas, also bloody, and got back into bed with me. It was so comforting to have someone watching over me, protecting me. I fell asleep to him stroking my hair.

I slept so long that I had no idea how long I’d been down for. When I woke up, I wasn’t in Levi’s bed, but in Petra’s, and it was nighttime; she was fast asleep. I didn’t want to wake her up, so I just rolled over and went back to bed. When morning came, I woke her up by worming under her arm to get closer.

“Uh?” Petra made a half asleep, confused kind of noise before she woke up, loosening her arm to let me in. The other stroked hair out of my eyes. “Jinora?” she asked, and I felt myself smile at the sound. “Jinora!” Petra cried, relieved, hugging me. “You feel okay? You slept for a really long time. I was worried.” She told me, and I nodded seriously; I didn’t feel like spaghetti anymore.

Petra got up and we shared a bubble bath. She mounded bubbles up onto her head and made funny faces until I giggled. With a uniform, I felt like my old self again. I practically skipped to breakfast, tugging Petra along.

“Oof.” A man’s voice said; I ran into Jean’s leg as soon as I plowed through the doors. “Oh! You’re okay!” He said, picking me up when he realized it, grinning.

“Sunshine?” Eren had gotten up from his table, coming over, a steady stream of cadets following.

“My name’s Jinora,” I said proudly, and after a moment, Eren laughed, the sound relieved and happy and wonderful. The cadets behind him cheered, laughing and smiling. A few of them looked like they were crying, but not in the sad way.

“What the hell is--?!” Levi and Erwin had arrived, and Levi’s usual grumpy look disappeared as I waved to him from Jean’s arms.

“Hi. My name’s Jinora.” I told him, grinning ear to ear.

“Come here, you.” He mock growled, and Jean passed me to him. “How many fingers?” He said, showing me four. I mimicked him, sticking out my tongue until I made myself giggle. “She’s really okay?” He asked Petra, eyes wide at the sight of me laughing so openly. He held me as if I was fragile, like if he held too tight I’d break.

“Yup. I think this change in behavior is just her normal personality that couldn’t quite be expressed. You feel okay, right?” She asked me, and I nodded.

“My head no hurt.” I informed them. Even the littlest things, before worming out of the reconditioning, could spark a painful response. Now, I was truly free.

“I’m so glad to hear it.” Erwin said, smiling at me as if I was the best person in the world. “Are you hungry?” he asked, and I climbed Levi like a tree to sit on his shoulder.

“Breakfwast, pwease!” I pointed to the table the way Erwin pointed to start an expedition, stumbling over the big word.

Levi let out a laugh like the time I picked up Eren, and moved as I’d directed.


	12. Chapter 12

I’d never been so happy. I still didn’t speak too much, but everyone told me that was okay. I’d skip, I’d hug the backs of cadet’s legs, and piggy back rides were once again my favorite thing in the world. I could read again, read at the same level as Armin. I still got a little shaky after I’d run a drill, not happy with the idea that I could kill, but I had so many other reasons to be happy that I tried not to let it bother me. 

I started taking writing and speaking lessons with Armin. I could read at a much higher level than someone my age, but I didn’t like talking. When I did, I consistently didn’t use proper English, or I mispronounced words. Armin was patient, and kind. He understood that I didn’t like talking, and that sometimes a lesson made me remember bad things from when I’d used to speak. We took it slow. If I ever did start to think of bad things, really bad things, he took me to Erwin’s office. I’d sit on Erwin’s lap, watching him work until I calmed down. Sometimes he asked, very quietly, if I wanted to tell him what had upset me. Very rarely did I share- it was hard to use my words to tell him, and Erwin always looked sad and grey after I told him. I didn’t want him to look that way.

Armin then did the best thing in the world- he gave me an assignment to ask more questions instead of doing recitations. That way, I could ask and talk about things that interested me and weren’t scary. Erwin had given him a proud expression for his idea, which told me that it was a really, really good one. Determined to make them both proud, I started my task.

“Whas dat?” I asked, pointing to the thing Sasha had been cleaning. She gently corrected my pronunciation and told me that it was a bow and arrow, and that it was used to hunt.

-

“What’s your favwite?” I asked Eren at lunch, pointing to the contents of his stew. He corrected me too, and said that his favorite were the green beans, which made me pull a face. No matter how much he insisted that green beans were good, I still thought they were yucky.

-

“What’s that?” I asked Conny. He was skipping stones. He explained that flat rocks, when you threw them just right, could bounce on the water until they slowed down enough to sink. His attempt to teach me how to skip rocks ended with me finding what I had thought was the perfect rock- a boulder the size of Conny himself, and throwing it into the pond. I soaked us both through, but Conny had laughed and laughed. He explained sheepishly to Levi, who got angry that someone tracked water on the floor, why we were both wet.

Levi almost cracked a smile as I estimated the size of the rock I’d picked up, stretching my arms as wide as they’d go. He let Conny go with a warning, and took me to get dry.

-

“What you doing?” I asked curiously, finding Ymir and Christa in a corner, doing something weird with their faces. Christa let out a yelp like I did when Eren snuck up on me, and Ymir gasped at the interruption. Levi explained to me later, glaring at Ymir and Christa, that they’d been ‘kissing’; something that grown ups did to express their love for each other. Erwin just smiled in the background.

-

“What’s a  ‘M-A-R-C-O?” I asked Jean, unsure on how to say the word. I’d been in the barracks, lying on Jean’s bed while he was trying to make it. On his nightstand, carved into a piece of wood, were the five letters.

“Not a what. A who.” Jean corrected, his expression going grey. “Marco was my friend. He died.” He explained softly. “Oof!” He let out when I launched myself off the bed, hugging him. I was a little too enthusiastic; I knocked him right on his back.

“I sorry!” I apologized. “Don’t be grwey!” I said into his shirt, holding on tight.

“It’s okay, Jinora. What do you mean by ‘grey’?” Jean asked, sitting up with some difficulty, considering I hadn’t let go yet.

“Um. Um.” I bit my lip, thinking wildly, until I remembered the word. “Sad!”

“Oh. I see what you meant now.” Jean told me, ruffling my hair, which was starting to get long. It was almost as long and fluffy as Eren’s. “Don’t worry. I’m still sad sometimes, but that’s just because I miss him. I’m glad you asked about Marco; he would have loved you.”

-

“What’s your favorite color?” I asked Hanji as we lay on the floor of their lab, coloring. I was working on a masterpiece- a rendition of throwing the boulder into the pond and soaking Conny.

“Probably yellow.” Hanji replied after a moment. “What’s yours?”

“WHITE!” I declared. “Clouds are white.” I explained, seeing Hanji look both baffled and amused by my intense answer.  They hummed in response, going back to sketching Levi riding a broom. It was a really good picture, and I said that they should give it to Levi like I’d given him the picture of him laughing. They got a wicked smile on their face and agreed. “What’s a super power?” I asked mindlessly later, putting the finishing touches on the tidal wave the boulder had created.

“Hmm? A super power?” Hanji repeated. “I guess it would be a skill that someone keeps secret.” They answered, adding a dust cloth over Levi’s shoulders like a cape. “What makes you ask that?” They asked back after a moment.

“Pyxis and an old man asked me. He said that Eren has one.” I wrinkled my nose at saying such a long, complete sentence. Hanji instantly stopped drawing, setting down her pencil and looking at me earnestly.

“What else did they ask you about Eren?” They asked very seriously, which made me blink. So Eren  _ did  _ have a superpower?

“If I liked him.” I answered, putting down my pencil too. I then gasped at a thought, an  _ amazing _ thought. Hanji looked almost spooked as I leaned forward, eyes wide. “Hanji, can Eren touch clouds?!” I asked breathlessly. I’d been crushed to find out from Levi when I first started training with 3dm gear that they couldn’t get high enough to touch clouds. Maybe he’d just been keeping Eren’s secret? “I  _ knew _ it.” I breathed when Hanji just blinked. I scrambled upright, pencils scattering. “ _ EREN _ !” I yelled his name at the top of my lungs, running down the hallway at speeds usually reserved for killing titans.

“Jinora, wait!” Hanji called after me, but I was already rocketing around the corner, running into and through the courtyard, yelling for Eren again.

“ _ Ereeennnn!”  _ I finally found him- he was running a drill with other cadets, Levi supervising with crossed arms. I normally never interfered with their responsibilities (except for the time my tooth came out), but this was another emergency. Eren nearly crashed into the ground he stopped so fast. When I came to a stop next to Levi, he put an arm around my shoulders, tugging me to look at him.

“Jinora, what’s wrong?” Levi asked, looking me up and down. I’d never been any louder than an unrestrained giggle. Talking normally made me uncomfortable, so shouting was definitely off the table- until now. I was just too excited to be nervous about speaking.

“Jinora?  _ Oof.”  _ Eren had made his way over, and was then on his back in the dirt as I tackled him in my excitement.

“Can you twouch clouds? Is that your super power?” I asked, bouncing on his chest a bit in excitement. “Can I have one? Pwease?”

“I-- _ what _ ?” Eren asked, too baffled to correct my pronunciation.

“Jinora!” Hanji had caught up, along with a few curious cadets and even Erwin himself had followed them out to the practice field. “Jinora, Eren can’t touch clouds.” Hanji said seriously, picking me up off of him.

“Aww.” I was instantly depressed. I looked up at the sky, sad. Clouds were so  _ pretty;  _ all I wanted was to touch one someday.

“While Jinora stayed with Pyxis they asked her about Eren’s ‘super power’. The first thing she thought of was being able to touch clouds,” Hanji was filling in Eren, Erwin, and Levi quickly, and in a low voice.

“That wasn’t in the report.” Levi said, scowling more than usual. He traded a glance with Erwin, and Eren, to my surprise, blanched at the news that I knew that he had a secret skill. I reached over and tugged on Eren’s sleeve.

“Is okay.” I told him, trying to be encouraging like he had been for me. “I still like you.” I informed him. Eren let out a half grey laugh, pinching the bridge of his nose in response. Looking so nervous and sad and tense didn’t suit him at all- it wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. “Eren?” I asked, suddenly worried. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad.

“Why don’t we go to my office?” Erwin suggested, voice and face very somber.

“You brats are done for the day. Dismissed.” Levi told the Scouts that had been part of the training exercise. He also looked more serious than usual.

“I--I sorry!” I stammered, suddenly feeling very ashamed. If I had known from Hanji that super powers were a secret, why had I asked about it? Everyone else was always so careful to only ask me about things that wouldn’t upset me. If they did ask about something that made me sad or scared, they always stopped right away if I got uncomfortable. I had no idea how to explain that with words, so I squirmed out of Hanji’s arm and hugged the backs of Eren’s legs tight, hiding my face in the backs of his knees. “I sorry.” I muttered into the leather, wishing I could take back everything I’d said.

Eren’s hand reached down and fluffed my hair. “It’s okay, sunshine. It’s just a really long story.” He didn’t sound like it was okay, not at all. “Come on. Up you get.” He very gently pried me off his legs and put me up on his shoulders, as per the usual. I wound his hair nervously around my fingers, trying to think of the words to tell them that they didn’t have to tell me the secret. In the end, I got even more nervous thinking about trying to say how I felt when it was already my fault for making Eren feel bad. When we got to Erwin’s office, Eren set me down on the floor again, offering me a smile that tried to be happy but wasn’t.

“Here, little mouse.” Levi picked me up, sitting me on his knee as Erwin sat down at his desk, looking serious. Hanji sat next to Eren, and they too looked unusually somber. “You’re not in trouble, and it’s okay that you asked. Armin gave you that as homework, right?” Levi began.

“I--,” I ended up just nodding, fiddling anxiously with my jacket.

“Do you remember a lot about what we’ve talked about, Jinora? How there are good experiments and bad ones?” Hanji said next. I stopped fiddling at the thought of bad experiments. Hanji had asked a few questions about the bad stuff now that I could remember and say whatever I wanted, but I’d clammed up each time; it was still too hard. “Well, somebody did a bad experiment on Eren too.”

I gasped at the news, horrified. Eren gave me that sad smile again. “It’s okay, sunshine.” He told me softly when my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn’t stand the idea that someone had hurt Eren like they’d hurt me. Why were there more than the bad people who had experimented on me in the world? Why would anyone else be so mean?

“Jinora, I really need you to pay attention, okay?” Erwin said firmly, and I bit my tongue to force down the urge to cry, nodding after a second. “What Dwaja and the others did to you was bad, but you’ve been able to do good things with your skills, wouldn’t you say?” He asked mildly. “I know that being able to kill something makes you sad, and that it’s scary, but you save people by doing that.” He elaborated when I just looked confused. “That’s a good thing. What Eren can do is just like that- it can be really bad, but he uses it to do really good things.”

“There’s no use beating around the bush.” Levi said from behind me. He put a hand on my back, rubbing it, and said, “Jinora, Eren can turn himself into a titan and back again.”

I blinked, not understanding.

“When he’s big and giant, he can fight other titans and help us do things, like pick up  _ really  _ big rocks.” Hanji added. “Every other titan is bad, and mean, but Eren isn’t. He knows who he is the whole time...he just gets bigger and stronger.” They continued. “He doesn’t eat people.”

Still a little unsure, I spread my arms out wide, trying to picture a really big Eren, the size of a titan, and failing. Then I thought of the times I’d seen titans kill Scouts in the field. I thought about the bodies I’d seen, torn into pieces. The thought made my heart stutter. I wanted to protect all of them, including Eren, from titans. If I didn’t, they’d end up like that- just in pieces. But Eren  _ was  _ a titan too?

“Eren is a human being, just like you, Jinora. Then someone let him get big and go back again.” Erwin summarized, seeing as I’d just frozen on Levi’s knee, staring at Eren with wide eyes.

“Hurt?” The word escaped as soon as I thought of it. Had it hurt Eren to end up like that, like it had with me? Did it still hurt him? Did Eren hurt other people, even if he didn’t mean to?

“I-- what do you mean?” Eren asked, looking nervous and sad again. “I remember that it hurt to get. If I stay really big for too long, it hurts when I shrink back down.” He summarized when I didn’t expand on my question- I still was too unsure of the words. “And I don’t hurt anyone. Just titans.” He added hastily. “I--I don’t want you to be scared, Jinora, but I can understand if you are.”

He was ashamed. He thought that I wouldn’t like him anymore.

“No!” I scrambled off of Levi’s leg and burrowed into Eren’s lap, hugging him around the middle. “I not scared. I like you. I love you.” I said into his shirt, voice muffled. It was easier to think of the words when I could hide my face. “I sorry it hurt...I understwand.” How could I say that I knew what it felt like, to feel all mixed up inside and pulled apart into little tiny pieces? That I was sad that he had felt that way, like I had?

“Jinora,” Eren sounded relieved but still sad, and he hugged me tight, burying his face into my hair. “I love you too.” he told me, voice a little hoarse.

“Jinora, we’re worried that if you see Eren when he’s gigantic that your instinct will say that he’s a bad titan instead of a good one.” Hanji spoke up. The thought of possibly not being able to recognize Eren, after I’d already nearly forgotten him twice, made my heart ache. I held onto him tighter. If it meant that I kept him safe, I was fine with never seeing him get big, even though I was curious.

“Sometimes we rely on Eren to get really big on an expedition. Until you get to see Eren when he’s really big, and until we know that you won’t react accidentally, we are holding off on another expedition.” Erwin added. “We also want to see if you can control when you feel that instinct, and if you can remember things better.”

“It’ll be a good experiment, not a bad one.” Hanji promised, reaching over and fluffing my hair. Only then did I peek out, then up at Eren. I was afraid that I would hurt him, but I knew that Hanji and Erwin and Levi and  _ everyone  _ wouldn’t let me do that. Not even Eren. It was scary, but Erwin had already taught me that the instinct, and what I did when I was under it, wasn’t my fault. I’d still feel guilty and upset, but I wouldn’t be punished. It would be okay.

“Mmkay.” I agreed after a second.


	13. Chapter 13

_ “Until you get to see Eren when he’s really big, and until we know that you won’t react accidentally, we are holding off on another expedition.” Erwin added. “We also want to see if you can control when you feel that instinct, and if you can remember things better.”  _

_ “It’ll be a good experiment, not a bad one.” Hanji promised. _

_ \-- _

The next day, after breakfast, Erwin gathered Levi, Mikasa, Petra, Hanji, and Eren in one of the big fields behind the building. Levi and Mikasa were in full gear, whereas Eren was just in his uniform. Petra had her medicine box, and Hanji had their clipboard. They were practically radiating with excitement.

“Jinora, Eren is going to get really big now. I’m going to hold onto you, just in case. If anything bad happens, Mikasa and Levi are here, and so is Petra.” Erwin crouched in front of me, smile gentle and calm. “Is that okay with you?”

I nodded, glancing at Eren for approval. He nodded too, looking nervous.

“I--I don’t want you to be scared. If I scare you, I’m sorry.” Eren said, looking slightly miserable. I hugged his legs with enough force to make him stagger.

“I like you,” I insisted stubbornly, and he laughed a bit, fluffing up my hair. When Erwin put a hand on my shoulder, I let go of Eren. Eren jogged away for a little bit, putting some space between us. Erwin knelt, inviting me into his arms. I walked right in, stiffening a bit at the backwards hug. It didn’t quite feel like a hug- the whole point was to hold me back, just in case, but it made me a little uneasy.

“Is this alright?” Erwin asked by my ear, tone careful. I took a deep breath to remind myself- sandalwood, soap,  _ safety.  _ I nodded, and he kissed the side of my head. “It’s going to be okay, Jinora.” He reassured, and then gave some sort of signal to Eren.

Eren took a deep breath, his face getting really serious and focused. His eyes got that familiar, angry, intense look about them. His hand raised up to his mouth, and I watched him suddenly bite at his thumb.

I gasped as the world exploded around him in clouds of steam and smoke. The ground trembled, and something I’d only read about, lightning, seemed to strike the spot where I’d last seen Eren. From out of the smoke, a titan emerged, gigantic. At the sight of it, my vision sharpened, and I felt that calm focus settle over me, my muscles coiled, ready to strike. My first thought was to fight, and my hands mindlessly drifted to my sides, where my gear would sit.

“It’s alright, Jinora. Look closely.” Erwin said, feeling my attempt to go for something that wasn’t there. The fact that he was there, hugging me close to his chest, was my first sign that this might not be a battle.

Levi and Mikasa weren’t attacking- and that was perplexing. They were standing there, blades drawn, but they were watching  _ me,  _ not the titan. Also, the titan wasn’t attacking them either; it slowly sat down, cross-legged, and didn’t move. Should I try to kill it? It was a threat, but it wasn’t a threat at the same time. It certainly wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. I considered squirming out of Erwin’s grip, getting a blade from Levi or Mikasa, and killing the titan.

“Jinora? Do you know who that is?” Erwin’s voice shattered my planning, and he nodded towards the titan sitting about seven meters away. “Look at his face.” He suggested when I just patted the spot where my blades should have rested against my legs again.

His face? I glanced up, taking in details. Dark hair, longer, more pointed ears, and a mouth that wasn’t, at the moment, eating anyone. The eyes were--

_ The eyes. _

“Oh!” It was Eren! Eren had disappeared, but he hadn’t at the same time. He was just really big, like Erwin had said. I could remember that, and use that information. For the first time, I could decide that the situation wasn’t a battle, and the focus bled away until I wasn’t stiff and ready for a fight. “Is Eren!” I cried, craning my head back to look at Erwin in disbelief.

“Yes,” he agreed, laughing a little bit. He seemed relieved that I’d put the pieces together. “Do you want to go and say hello?” He asked, and I nodded instantly. “Wait just a moment,” he said when I squirmed, impatient to  _ go.  _ Erwin looked pointedly at Levi, who stalked in front of Eren and talked with him for a moment. Eren gave a very obvious nod, and when Levi held up two fingers, Eren did the same. Only then did Levi turn his back and beckon me forward.

I blitzed over, throwing my head back to look up at Eren. I tugged on Levi’s leg and pointed up at Eren in wonder. “Yeah, I see him.” Levi said, half grumpy, half amused. “Just be careful,” He said, gesturing to signify that I could get closer. I didn’t understand why he wanted me to be careful- this was  _ Eren.  _ I walked right up to his hand, staring at him in wonder. When he slowly uncurled it, offering it to me, I clambered up the edge of one of his fingers and into the palm of his hand.

I waved up at him, grinning. He very slowly lifted his hand up to his shoulder, and then to his face. “Hi!” I told him excitedly, not at all afraid. “You so  _ big!” _

A deep, rolling kind of noise came out of Big-Eren, and his big mouth smiled. It was kind of scary, but his eyes still looked happy, just like Little-Eren. I looked up, at the clouds that looked that much closer, and stretched up onto my tippy-toes, trying to touch them. I could imagine that they felt soft, and I suddenly found myself laughing. I wanted to be higher, so I took a running leap and grabbed onto a piece of Eren’s hair.

He watched me climb up with one giant eye, his hand hovering underneath me, just in case, but he let me scale his head and stand on top of it. “Hanji!  _ Clouds!”  _ I called to them, giddy, and pointed up at the sky. I jumped a little, imagining that I’d touched one.

Eren shook a bit under my feet, and I realized that he was laughing- it was a low, rumbling kind of noise. He hadn’t said anything yet. Holding carefully to another piece of his hair, I inched to hang down in front of him, upside down.

“Hi.” I told him. “Why aren’t you saying anyfing?” Eren very carefully pinched my jacket in his fingers, lifting me and setting me back in one of his hands. His gigantic mouth opened and then closed with a little bit of steam. After a second, I understood. He couldn’t, just like I hadn’t been able to for a long time. “Oh! I sorry!” I apologized, scrambling to my feet. I motioned him down until I could stand on my tippy toes and kiss the end of his giant nose. “I  _ still _ like you.” I told Big-Eren and his really big, surprised eyes.

“Un- _ fucking _ -believable.” I thought I heard Levi say on the ground, sounding baffled, impressed, and confused.

“So...so you can pick up the biggest rock?” I asked Eren, who laughed again, nodding. I tried to visualize how big, stretching my arms wide until I flopped onto my back. “Wow. Big.” I said in wonder.

Eren lowered his hand back to the ground. “He’s got to shrink down now.” Levi said, picking me up by the scruff and setting me on my feet. “It’s kind of gross. If you don’t like it, look away, okay?”

“Mmkay,” I said, not taking my eyes off of Big-Eren, waving up at him. Scoffing a bit under his breath, Levi gave me a push back towards Erwin. I practically skipped over to him, grinning. “He’s  _ huge _ .” I informed Erwin.

“Yes,” he agreed, taking my hand. Big-Eren lay down on his front. The back of his neck squirmed a bit, and then a tiny Eren was erupting from the flesh, along with jets of steam. There were red things on him that he peeled off. Parallel markings were on each cheek and around parts of his eyes. It looked like it hurt, so I held Erwin’s hand tighter. “He’s fine. See?” Erwin reassured me, pointing to where Eren was sliding off of the remains of his big body. Levi met him, and they talked a moment. Mikasa hovered close, protective as always.

Hanji was scribbling furiously on their clipboard, poking and examining the steaming remains. Eren answered a few of their questions before coming over. “Hey, sunshine.” He greeted me with a tired smile, picking me up when I let go of Erwin and reached for him.

“Did it hurt?” I asked him worriedly.

“Oh, lots.” Eren said with mock seriousness that I didn’t catch onto right away.  I gasped, horrified. “Will you kiss it better?” He asked, teasing, and I huffed at him, making him laugh.

“Meanie.” I declared, but I kissed his cheek anyway, curiously touching the marks on his face.

“I’m cured! Commander, let’s go defeat all the titans. I’m ready now.” Eren said, making me giggle.

“Well, that went very well!” Petra looked pleased. “Eren, do you feel alright?” She asked.

“Yeah. Just tired.” He said, and I realized he was lying. His face felt hot under my touch.

“Nuh uh!” I declared, making him start. “He’s hot.” I patted his cheeks with both hands for emphasis, squishing them a little.

“Eren is always warm after turning into a titan. Hanji thinks it’s because titans are so hot all the time.” Petra explained gently, but she felt Eren’s forehead too, just to humor me. “Why don’t you keep an eye on him for me? Can you be my helper?” Petra asked, and I nodded solemnly, accepting my duty.

Eren set me down, and we walked back into the courtyard, hand in hand. He walked a little slower, and he looked tired, but otherwise he seemed okay. I still insisted that he lay in the grass of the courtyard with me. He laughed when I made him use my jacket as a pillow, and laughed louder when I poked him in the ribs for laughing. “That tickles--!” He gasped, laughing louder when I did it again.

“Tickles?” I repeated. “Whas that?” Eren sat up, getting a very evil grin on his face. “Eren?” I asked, and blinked at him when he wormed a finger under my armpit. “What are you doing?” I asked curiously when he ran his fingers over my ribs.

“You--you’re not ticklish.” he said, disappointed. “It’s when a spot on your body, when someone touches it, makes you laugh.” He explained.

“You didn’t check everywhere.” Levi deadpanned behind us. I hadn’t even heard him approach; neither had Eren. “Hmmm.” Levi scratched under my chin, and I just lifted my chin higher- it felt good. He ran a finger along the back of my neck, poked the back of my knee, and even lifted me by the ankle to take my other boot off and touch the arch of my foot. “That’s surprising, little mouse. Most people are ticklish.” Levi said, setting me back down.

“I know, right? I thought someone as cute as you would be super ticklish.” Eren agreed, sitting up in the grass as I stuck my boot back on.

Curious, I reached under Levi’s boot and wormed my fingers against the back of his knee. To my great surprise, he let out a half bark of laughter, jerking forward to escape.

“No way,” Eren breathed, staring at Levi like he’d grown a second head. “You’re ticklish, sir?” Levi turned a surprising shade of pink and grumbled something at Eren, crossing his arms. Eren looked at me, raised an eyebrow mischievously, and whispered, “Get him.”

“Jaeger!” Levi barked, panicked, but it was too late. I tackled him around the knees and set to work until Levi was laughing almost twice as hard as any other time I’d heard. “You--little--!” Huffing with laughter, he finally managed to grab me around the middle. He blew a raspberry against the side of my face and I laughed out loud, squirming in an attempt to get loose.

“Ahem.” Erwin had shown up, and was looking amused. “Levi.” He greeted. He probably had work for Levi to do. “Jinora, do you remember how many fingers Levi and Eren showed each other in the field?” He asked, and I blinked, thinking it over.

Grinning because I remembered, I showed him two fingers, worming under Levi’s arm in an attempt to tickle him again. He gently yanked my leg to pull me back, blowing another raspberry on my cheek.

“You know what you have to do. Try the back of his neck.” Levi whispered in my ear, and let go of me.

“Levi, don’t encoura-- _ Jinora _ !” Erwin protested as I scaled his leg in seconds. He let out a chuckle, then a wheeze, and then a roar of laughter as I made my way up his ribs, tried under the arm, and then went in for the kill. As soon as my fingers tickled the back of his neck, Erwin scrunched his head down and his shoulders up, laughing until he was gasping.

“Oh, my! That racket has been you three?” Hanji appeared, grinning at the scene. “I didn’t know you could laugh at all, Levi.” She pulled a ridiculously grumpy face, bending her knees to be shorter and crossing her arms. “Mmrff. Cleaning.” She growled, narrowing her eyes. Eren barked out a laugh and then hastily turned it into a cough when Levi glared at him.

“I’m sorry, Hanji, but I have to.” Erwin said, picking me up and setting me down on the ground. “Get ‘em,” he told me, pointing me to my next target. I scampered over and up, latching my legs around their waist.

“Ah, but I am too strong!! I AM THE MIGHTY HANJI!” They cried, laughing maniacally when my tickling had no effect. “Boys are weird and ticklish; remember that, okay? Do you want to go get some lunch?” They asked, and I glanced at Eren. I was supposed to be checking on him, making sure that he was okay. If I left to get lunch, who knows what he would get up to?

“He’s fine; you are relieved of duty, Jinora. If anything, he’s just ticklish.” Petra walked up, smiling. “I’ll come with you?” she offered, and I nodded, smiling back.

“Nyaah,” Hanji stuck out their tongue at the baffled faces of Eren, Levi, and Erwin before walking off with me, Petra following.


	14. Chapter 14

_ “Nyaah,” Hanji stuck out her tongue at the baffled faces of Eren, Levi, and Erwin before walking off with me, Petra following. _

\---

“What are you doing?” I asked, finding Jean in the barn. I’d been in Hanji’s lab, watching her do odd, grown-up things, but then she’d told me to run along, as her next experiment wasn’t a safe one. I’d talked to a few cadets, hung from a few arms, and then I’d found myself in front of the barn. Jean was inside, and he was doing something to the mane of a horse.

“I’m braiding. Do you want to learn how?” He asked, and I nodded eagerly. He put me on his shoulders, the way Eren usually did, and ran his fingers through the braid he’d been making to start over. “Okay, three pieces. How many is that?” He asked, dividing the hair of the horse into three sections.

“‘Dis many,” I informed him, shoving three fingers into his face. He corrected my pronunciation, and then showed me how to move the three pieces under and over each other to make the braid. He undid it to show me one more time, asking which piece went where. “I try.” I informed him, and he got a few hay bales for me to sit on to be at the right height.

It took a few tries, but I could soon do a braid too. “My hair’s too short,” Jean laughed as I stood on my tippy toes, pulled his head down a little, and tried to braid his hair. “Yours is so long now- it’s long enough for a braid or two. Can I try it?” He asked. I nodded my permission, and then Jean had set to work. He managed to find two little leather strips to secure the ends. “Tadah!” he told me when he was done, and I ran over to a trough to peek in. I could see my reflection in the water, and two tiny little braids on each side of my head.

“Thank you!” I hugged him hard around the legs, nearly knocking him over.

“Come on. It’s time for lunch. You’ve got to show off your new hairdo.” Jean laughed, giving me a piggyback ride. Surprisingly, the first person that noticed was Sasha. Jean had sat down next to her, and she’d made a rare glance away from her food. The gasp that came out of her made me giggle.

“Conny. Babe. Conny,  _ look.”  _ She leaned back so that Conny could look past her. I waved at him, and he exchanged a look with Sasha, one I didn’t understand.

“I’m sorry, miss, but it’s illegal to be that adorable. I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.” Conny said with mock seriousness.

“Who’s arresting whom?” Armin asked, joining the table. “Oh! Wow!” He said when he noticed the pigtails. “Jean, you’re a genius!”

“What? I never thought I’d hear you say that, Armin. Ooooh.” Eren had popped over, teasing, and then he saw my hair. “You look beautiful, sunshine.” he told me honestly, smiling.

“Ooo!” Christa squealed at the sight of me, and even Ymir, who was more stone faced than Mikasa, actually smiled. “You should go show Captain Levi and Commander Erwin. I’m sure they’ll be just as excited as we are!” Christa chirped.

“Mmkay,” I agreed, and Jean set me back on the ground. I made my way across the room and clambered up onto the bench between Erwin and Levi.

“Oh! Hi, Jinora. I thought you were going to tickle me again.” Erwin started in surprise when I appeared at his elbow. “ _ No.”  _ He said firmly when I cocked my head, considering it. Hanji sniggered into their lunch, winking at me.

“Nice hair, little mouse.” Levi flicked one of my pigtails, a smile playing at the edge of his mouth. “Who did that for you?” 

“Jean.” I told him. “He explanained how to make a braid.”

“Explained. Good try, though.” Levi corrected. “I’m glad that Kirschstein has some good ideas in that empty head of his after all.”

\--

The next day, I was a little bummed that my pigtails had come out while I was sleeping. I’d crawled in with Levi early in the morning, woken up by the recurring thought of a little girl from the bad place I’d seen long ago with pigtails, like the ones I’d had. She’d died, just like the others. It made me sad that I’d forgotten about her, but remembering her made me sad too. I’d gotten dressed by myself, and then Levi supervised as I washed my face.

“Here, little mouse.” he said as I combed out my hair. He’d found the two little ties Jean had given me the day before. “I knew someone who used to wear their hair like this.” He muttered as he divided my hair into two sections. He made two little ponytails, one on either side of my neck. “There,” he said, and his smile got a little grey as he inspected his work.

“Is she gone like Marco?” I suddenly found myself asking.

“Marco?” Levi repeated; he clearly didn’t know who Marco was.

“Jean had a friend named Marco. He died.” I told him quietly, touching my new ponytails. A wave of understanding passed over Levi’s face, and he picked me up and sat me on the edge of the bed, putting my boots on for me.

“Yes, she’s dead. Her name was Isabel.” Levi said as quietly as I had, flicking a tiny piece of dirt off of the sole of my boot instead of looking at me. “People die, little mouse. Don’t let that scare you.” He added after a moment, clearly uncomfortable, and yet he still tried to help me. He wanted me to be okay, even if that meant that he wasn’t; he was brave.

I could be brave too.

“There were a lot of others.” I whispered, bringing my legs up to my chest. “Like me. In the bad place.” I didn’t look at Levi either. “They all died.”

“I’m sorry.” Levi said sincerely after taking a deep breath, and he put a hand on my knee. “If you ever want to tell me more about them, I’ll listen.”

“I--mmkay,” I agreed shakily. “You can tell me a-about Isabel too.” Sentences of this length made my insides feel fragile, but I could be brave. I knew that I could do it if Levi was there.

He shot me another sad smile, but it was proud. “Good job, little mouse. You’re getting so good at speaking.” He praised me, getting up and kissing my forehead. “Someday I’ll tell you all about her. Farlan too.” He promised.

\---

My hair became a daily fascination. If Jean got to do it, he did braids. If Levi did it, he made the two ponytails. One day, Hanji declared themselves in charge and gave me one ponytail at the very top of my head. We were late to lunch- they wanted to get it just right, and then insisted that they do it too.  When we appeared at the table, Levi almost sprayed his tea everywhere at the sight of me, and Erwin let out a rare bark of laughter.

“I’m a tickle demon.” I informed them. Hanji had told me that all tickle demons wore their hair in one ponytail at the very top of their head.

“Hanji,” Erwin sighed, amused, as Hanji grinned, giving my ponytail a little flick.

“What? I’m a tickle demon too.” They said nonchalantly, giving their own wild ponytail a shake.

“Tickle demon!” Petra agreed, standing up from the table and hastily pulling her hair up the same way.

“Don’t you dare.” Levi said sharply as Hanji pointed at him, marking my target. “If you tickle me, I won’t give you any of my socks.” he warned darkly as I raised my hands the way Hanji had taught me, wiggling my fingers at him.

“What?” Hanji asked, surprised as I instantly lowered my hands, eyes widening. Levi laughed when I tickled him-- didn’t he like it? Withholding socks was a mean thing to do, and he’d never been mean to me, not ever. “Aww, it’s okay, sweetie.” Hanji reassured, seeing something in my expression.”You can have my stinky socks instead.”

“Ew. Don’t ever put your filthy socks on her feet.” Levi ordered, reaching over and picking me up. “You can still wear my socks, little mouse. It’s okay.” He sighed, flicking my ponytail. I got a bolt of inspiration, and I shot forward and tickled him anyway. “You little shit!” Levi laughed as Hanji cheered in the background. When he finally got me off, passing me to Petra, he’d laughed loud enough to make other tables of cadets whoop and laugh too.

That night, when I was cheeky enough to show up to his room without socks, he made sure to blow a loud raspberry on each foot before he put a pair of his socks on my feet.


	15. Chapter 15

“Jinora, how would you like to go into town with me?” Erwin asked at breakfast. I blinked, not understanding.“It’s a place where a lot of other people live. There are shops too.” Erwin explained.

“It’ll be fun, little mouse. You should do it.” Levi said, sipping his tea.

I still wasn’t sure what a town was, but I knew that I’d have fun with Erwin, so I nodded my acceptance. Jean braided my hair into pigtails as we waited for Erwin to be ready, and then he taught me a bit about the pieces of the carriage, and what each one did.

Jean then drove the carriage. Erwin held the back of my jacket so I could look out the little window.

Town was  _ loud _ . There were so many people, all going their separate ways, like ants. Erwin put me on his shoulders so that I didn’t feel so overshadowed. We stopped at a store that smelled like books, and Erwin bought paper, to be delivered later. The man behind the counter waved to me on the way out, so I waved back.

The next place we went was a tea shop. After bartering a bit with the woman behind the counter, Erwin bought tea, also to be delivered later. “You have a very beautiful daughter.” The woman added, her kind of severe expression melting a bit as she gave me a smile. I smiled back.

Erwin had said before that he wasn’t my Daddy, but he smiled at the woman, looking proud, and thanked her. At first, I was a little confused, but Erwin took care of me, whereas my first Daddy hadn’t. If Erwin was my new Daddy, I was happy. Maybe he and Levi and Eren could take turns.

We walked through a square, full of people. There were other kids, playing and yelling. Erwin then turned down a street, and I gasped. Sitting in a pen were clouds with little legs and faces. Before I’d completely realized what I was doing, I’d jumped off of Erwin’s shoulders, vaulted into the pen, and hugged one. “Jinora? What are you doing?” Erwin asked, curious but amused.

“They clouds! And I got to  _ touch _ one!!” I told him, hugging another one. They weren’t as soft as I thought, but they were still fluffy.

“Jinora, that’s a sheep.” Erwin said, sounding as if he was trying very hard not to laugh.

“Is a cloud.” I insisted, voice muffled by the fuzziness.

“Then what are they doing not in the sky?” Erwin asked, and I lifted my head to stare at him. “I’m sorry, kiddo, but that’s a sheep. It’s an animal.” he repeated, and I stared at the sheep I was still hugging, baffled. Why would there be an animal that looked like a cloud but  _ wasn’t _ a cloud?

“Un- _ fucking _ -bewievable,” I muttered what I’d heard Levi say when I’d kissed Big-Eren’s nose. I felt just as shocked, so I thought I’d used the word correctly, even though I didn’t know what it meant.

Erwin choked, turning a surprising shade of red, so I guessed that I hadn’t used it right after all. He took my hand, stammered something about how sheep were animals again, and led me to the next spot. He talked to a farmer, and the man was nice enough to let me pet his horses. I braided their manes, all of them, and the farmer gave me a carrot to give to the horses. I broke it into equal pieces so that they could all have a piece, giggling when they slimed my hand.

We were back in time for lunch. Erwin made sure that I washed my hands before we sat down, to which Levi nodded his approval. He really didn’t like messes.

“How did it go? Did you like town?” Hanji asked, stealing a bean off my plate. I nodded enthusiastically, but didn’t say anything- Levi had lectured me the other day for talking with food in my mouth.

“As I suspected, I got an additional 30% discount with Jinora there. She was a big help.” Erwin said, and I brightened under the praise. I had no idea what a discount was, but 30 was a big number, so I was pleased. “However, we need to have a discussion about language.” He said, looking pointedly at Levi.

“What?” Levi asked, somewhat defensively. “I don’t swear around her, just like you asked. I don’t want her repeating that kind of stuff anyway.”

“Oh, really?” Erwin asked, tone and face serious, but a smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth as he turned to me. “Jinora discovered what sheep are today, didn’t you?” He asked me, and I nodded.

“They fwuffy.” I declared.

“Fluffy.” Erwin corrected. “What did you think they were?” He asked.

“Clouds. But they’re not.” I said, deflating a little bit.

“And what did you say when I told you that they weren’t clouds?” Erwin prompted.

“Un-fucking-bewievable.” I repeated, and Levi choked on his tea, coughing. Petra spluttered into her stew, and, after a moment, Hanji howled with laughter.

“You see?” Erwin said pointedly to Levi over Hanji’s helpless laughter. I didn’t understand what was so funny, but if I made everyone laugh then it was probably a good thing.

“Dammit.” Levi muttered when his coughs subsided, looking defeated.

“What’s a ‘dammit’?” I asked curiously, and Hanji hooted with renewed laughter.

“Jinora, sometimes I say words that aren’t very nice. You shouldn’t repeat them, okay?” Levi said, his face getting a little pink.

“But...what’s a ‘dammit’? Why is it bad?” I asked, and Hanji drummed their fists on the table, crying with laughter.

“It doesn’t mean anything. Just don’t say it. Okay?” Levi asked, turning a darker shade of pink.

“But it means a bad thing. Right?” I asked, confused, watching Hanji hiccup with laughter. Why would everyone laugh if I’d said a bad thing? “They’re laughing. Is good,” I insisted, pointing to Hanji, who let out another hiccup, giving me a thumb’s up.

“I-- _ argh _ ,” Levi covered his face, seeing as it was getting more and more red. “It’s just bad, okay?”

“Why?” I asked.

“It has  _ begun _ !” Hanji declared, still giggling helplessly. “It’s all over!”

“I--go ask Armin.” Levi told me, sounding defeated.

Erwin scoffed something at him that I didn’t understand, “Cop out,” as I slid off the bench. I made my way over to Armin and tugged on the back of his jacket.

“Oh, hi!” He said, lifting me up onto the bench. “You sure are making them laugh over there.” He said, looking at the officer’s table. Levi had hid his face again, back shaking with muffled laughter. Erwin looked disapproving, but also like he was trying not to laugh. Petra was muffling her giggles behind her hands, looking somewhat guilty, and Hanji was watching us eagerly, still chuckling occasionally.

“Why is ‘un- _ fucking _ -beweivable’ a bad word?” I asked.

Jean, who had been taking a sip of water, sprayed it out all over Shawn. Sasha dropped her silverware, Conny let out a snort, and Armin gaped at me. Hanji went into hysterics across the room.

“And whas a ‘dammit’?” I asked.

“Oh my Sina,” Eren muttered, putting his face in his hands, a few chuckles escaping as he tried desperately not to laugh. “This is Heichou’s fault.”

“I--I, um,” Armin stammered, turning red also. “They are bad words because they refer to things that are only for grown ups.” He told me.

“Oh. Why?” I asked.

“Why are they only for grown ups?” Armin asked, and I nodded. “Because you have to be a certain age to use them.”

“Why?”

“Because Erwin said so.” Armin said, steadily turning redder.

“Why?” I asked, glancing at Erwin.

“Because you are very nice and cute. If you say those words, you’ll get ugly.” Mikasa said unexpectedly. I gasped, patting my face. “Yes, you’ll get a giant nose. And warts.” she added very seriously, expression as flat as always. “So don’t say them, okay?”

“But….will Levi get ugly?” I asked, afraid of waking up to find him with a giant nose and warts. Conny made a howl that rivaled Hanji’s, and Sasha giggled along with him.

“Nope. He’s too strong for that.” Mikasa said, passing Shawn a napkin to wipe his face with. “Go finish your lunch.” She told me, smiling a little bit.

“Mmkay,” I agreed, going back to the officer’s table. “I won’t say it.” I promised, clambering back up onto my spot. “I don’t want warts.”

Hanji snorted into her stew.


	16. Chapter 16

Erwin was still talking. He’d called a meeting, and I’d been allowed in, which was unusual. I sat on Eren’s knee, paying close attention, even if I wasn't sure what some of the words meant. “General Pyxis has approved an expedition for May 20th," Erwin was saying. "Both Eren and Jinora are cleared to attend.”

“If you still want to go.” Eren told me. I nodded resolutely; I was going. Eren sighed, and flicked one of my ponytails. He still wasn’t happy with me coming along on expeditions; no one was. 

“Will we be prepared in that amount of time? If we want to try the new plan, we’ll run into setbacks.” Hanji interjected.

“If today is March 4th, that gives us roughly two months for troubleshooting any issues we can think of, and hopefully for issues a worst case scenario. We will have the best possible conditions-- Jinora?” Erwin stopped talking. I’d sat up ramrod straight, eyes wide. March 4th was so familiar to me. Why?

“March fworth?” I repeated. No one corrected me.

_ “Happy Birthday, sweetie!” A kiss on the cheek. “Four on the fourth! That’s extremely special!” Another kiss on the cheek. “Mommy loves you  _ so  _ much.” _

“Jinora,” Eren rubbed my back, the memory leeching away as he spoke. “You okay?” He sounded worried.

“What’s a birfday?” I asked quietly. The person from my memory... that was my Mommy? I tried so hard to picture her face, but I couldn’t.

“It’s the day you were born. Is today your birthday?” Eren supplied patiently, still rubbing my back.

“Yes?” I answered, still unsure. The memory had been so fleeting; I wasn’t even sure if it was real. I’d had a Mommy, a nice one. Where was she? Why didn’t she stop my old Daddy?

“Do you know how old you are?” Eren asked. I thought about it, trying and failing to remember how long I’d been in the bad place. In the end, I held up five fingers, counting each one to make sure. “Five, huh? That means you get five kisses.” Eren declared, and made a loud, sloppy kind of kiss sound on my cheek, making me giggle. “One!” he declared, and took in a huge, exaggerated breath before the next one. “Two!”

By the time he finished, kissing my forehead, I was as red as a tomato, but everyone in the meeting was giving me big smiles.

“Happy Birthday, Jinora. We can finish planning tomorrow; today is your day.” Erwin said warmly. “What would you like to do?”

\---

“I...I don’t know what I expected.” Levi muttered. I’d gotten the entire unit to ride out into the country. We’d stopped at a beautiful meadow, where I insisted that everyone lay in the sweet flowers. I watched the clouds with Eren, and then braided bits of his hair. I did the same to Christa and Ymir. I then made a little crown out of flowers and plopped it onto Levi’s head.

“Pretty.” I declared, adjusting the crown just so.

“Thanks.” Levi said gruffly, shooting Erwin a dark look when he let out a rolling chuckle.

“Oooh, Jinora, look! It’s a garter snake!” Hanji had her magnifying glass out, and was following a snake along on the ground. It was tiny and brown, so I picked it up to get a better look. Hanji said it was covered in something called ‘scales’ and that it could smell things by licking the air with its tongue. When it fluttered on my skin I giggled.

“Look!” I ran over to show it to Jean, who gulped, turning oddly pale and telling me that he was sure that it was nice, and that he didn’t actually have to touch it to know that. Eren made fun of him until I tried to show it to him, and then he was also making a hasty retreat, insisting that Mikasa wanted to talk to him.

“--absolutely fearless.” Erwin was saying to Levi, voice fond, as I skipped back over, holding the snake up for inspection. “Oh, who’s your friend?” He asked, running one finger lightly along the snake’s back.

“Joopy.” I declared, naming the snake on the spot. “Can I bring him back with me? Please?”

“This might be Joopy’s home. What if his family is nearby? You wouldn’t want to separate them.” Erwin replied.

“Oh. Okay.” I gave Joopy’s back a little kiss. “Bye, Joopy!” I put the snake back in the grass and watched it slither away. I then plopped down in the grass, using Erwin’s leg as a pillow. “You’re my family. Right?”

“I--yes. If you want.” Erwin seemed surprised by my comment. He ran his fingers through my hair.

“I--,” I squirmed a little, trying to find the words. “My real Daddy was mean. My real Mommy is…” I stared up at the clouds, wondering.

“We may not be your real parents, but we love you very much, Jinora, to a point where ‘real’ doesn’t matter to us.” Erwin said quietly, and I tilted my head to look at him. “If you want, we would be happy to be your parents.” He laughed then, the sound slightly winded, as I plopped onto his chest to hug him.

“I love you,” I murmured into his shirt. Erwin pressed a kiss into my hair.

“I love you too, Jinora. Happy Birthday.” He told me, voice all rumbly and proud. I squirmed out of his arms to hug Levi, pressing my face into his neck.

“Happy Birthday, little mouse.” Levi said gruffly, hugging me close. When I told him that I loved him, I could  _ feel  _ him flush, burning hot. “I love you too. But not your ice cold feet.” He said very quietly, and I gasped, offended. He blew a raspberry on the side of my face, starting to smile, and so I tickled him in retaliation. 

“Jinora, you’ll wreck his flower crown!” Petra pointed out, saving Levi from further tickles, and I instantly stopped, tugging him up so I could readjust the fragile crown, tucking in a few extra flowers. “Will you make me one?”

I immediately started work, picking the most beautiful wildflowers I could find, knitting the crown together and standing on my tippy toes to plop it onto her head. She picked me up then, setting me on her hip. “Petra, Erwin and Levi are my daddies now!” I told her, heart so full of happiness I thought it would burst.

“They are, huh?” She said, smiling at Erwin and Levi.

“Will you be my mommy?” I asked, and she hugged me very, very tightly, tears dotting into my hair.

“Yes, honey. If that’s what you need, I’d love to.” She said, sounding choked up.

“Thank you!!” I laughed, pressing kisses all over her face. When she put me down, I ran off to Hanji, yelling, “Will you be my parent?!”

“Hmm?” They sat up from where they were carefully drawing out a detailed sketch of a wildflower.

“My parent.” I repeated, beaming. I felt like I was so happy that I could fly, even without 3dm. “Erwin and Levi are my daddies and Petra is my mommy now so will you be my parent pretty please?”

“Complete the set, huh?” Hanji said, grinning also. “You’ve got it, kiddo.” They laughed loudly when I hugged her so hard I tackled her. “Two dads, a mom, and a parent. You are one lucky little girl, Jinora.”


End file.
